Monsters Inside
by Tripsoverhercats
Summary: Cho Gonou may not be the monster he thinks he's become. AU, with scenes of death, hate crime, child abuse, monkeys, angsty teachers, wet kappas and hung over priests.
1. Partings and Meetings

A/N: A little twist to how Gonou and Gojyo meet, please let me know if you want more...  
  
Disclaimer: Saiyuki and it's wonderful characters are not mine.  
  
__________________________  
  
"Gonou, I'm sorry. It's too late for me. How can I live with this child growing inside of me? I'm so sorry my love, my brother."  
  
The blood drenched young man screamed and clawed frantically at the bars as the one person who mattered more than anything else calmly slit her throat with a blade that he had used to murder an entire clan of demons with. Bright red blood sprayed the cell, and he watched as his twin, his love, his other half, slump with hideous grace to the floor. "Kanan! Kanan! Kanan, NO!"  
  
"Well, well. How very interesting. You doing the honorable thing to rescue your love, she doing the honorable thing and preventing the birth of an abomination. Not that it was necessary, Father would have eaten her long before she gave birth. But you killed Father, didn't you? You killed them all."  
  
Gonou whipped around to see a finely dressed demon walk towards him, gently clapping its delicately clawed hands in obscene approval. "How did a stripling like you do all this? I really am curious." The demon continued to talk, it seemed very fond of it's voice, but Gonou wasn't listening anymore. Instead the voice inside him, the one that had guided his steps through his vengeful rampage, telling him how to silence the guards, penetrate the defenses and trap the demons, was whispering again. *Watch his hands, that yammering idiot is about to try something here.*  
  
The blue-haired demon struck, but Gonou was ready, and he twisted out of the reach of the talons digging for his stomach. Gonou's own hand lashed out, nails slashing at the narrow face, finding purchase, and the demon shrieked as his eye was ripped from him, blood pouring over Gonou's hand. The demon fell back as Gonou convulsed, the blood of one thousand demons transforming him from something that was never quite entirely human into every demon's childhood nightmare. The final living member of Hyakugan Maoh's clan attempted to flee, but only got two steps before being pulled down, and then pulled apart. Chin Yisou's final thought as he watched his arm being ripped from his body was, *So I was right. I was number one thousand, and the legend is true.*  
  
Cho Gonou did not need to look for the cell key, instead he simply ripped the hinges off the door, and crumpled down next to the body of his sister. He stared at his new claws, dripping red onto the floor, stared disbelievingly at the delicate green vines tracing a pattern of beauty across his palms. "What's happened to me Kanan?" He whispered brokenly. "What kind of nightmare is this? What have I done?" Slowly he reached out, and turned Kanan's body over, exposing the gaping wound that no longer bled, showing him her empty eyes. Dead. The only one who had ever loved him, the only one he had ever loved. The grief he had been pushing away since the moment she had been taken rushed forward, and the newborn demon cradled his lost love to him and he wept, clean clear tears washing the blood away.  
  
*****  
  
Somehow he had found his way out, Kanan's body wrapped in sheets that he had dragged out of one of the rooms. He would not leave her here, and as much as he wished to tear his own throat out and join her in death, Gonou was determined to bury his sister first. Someplace where she would be at peace, removed from the horrors of these last few months. His newly heightened senses twitched as he carried her into the forest, the smell of fresh water leading him to the brook. A small clearing provided the perfect spot, and his new strength enabled him to prize a perfect river stone out of the bed for a grave marker. Even with only his hands to dig, it did not take him long.  
  
Gonou had just lowered her body into the grave, and begun the process of refilling it, when he heard the hunters. They were still a ways off, but their shouts carried through to him quite clearly. He could not make out the words yet, but he could tell they were chasing something. Twice, gunshots were heard as he continued his careful work. Whatever was going on had nothing to do with him, for as soon as he was done with this task, he was planning on joining his beloved.  
  
He had just replaced the final scoops of earth when the chase drew near. Snarling softly in irritation, Gonou threw himself into the trees with newfound ease, disappearing into the canopy. He wanted no audience for this, let them continue and leave him be. A red haired man burst from the tree line, not twenty yards from Kanan's grave, and where Gonou was hidden. He was clutching a bleeding shoulder, and stumbled badly as he hit the water. By the time he had managed to struggle to his feet, his pursuers were on him. Five men, one armed with the rifle Gonou had heard earlier surrounded the man. One stepped up and slammed a heavy club into their quarry's wounded shoulder, causing the man to drop to his knees, biting back a shriek.  
  
"End of the line scum," the club-wielder hissed, kicking the red-haired man in the face, and pinning the damaged shoulder under his boot. The red-haired man twisted wildly, still fighting for his life, but the other four joined in, kicking and stamping until the struggling stopped. The five hunters were laughing at the crumpled form, and Gonou watched in sick fascination as two of them urinated on their prey. They were enjoying it. Gonou may have slaughtered his way into damnation, but this kind of casual brutality horrified him. *How can they debase themselves like that? Just kill him and be done with it! Do it and go!*  
  
"Hey, the half-breed's still breathing!" one of the hunter's said, causing Gonou to start in shock. Half-breed? Half what? The human with the rifle began to sight down on the unmoving head, when the club wielder suddenly pointed at the water. "Let's drown him like he should have been at birth!"  
  
This caused the other four to burst out into coarse laughter, and they dragged the unconscious man to the streambed, and pushed his head under the water. "Die abomination! Die and take your demon taint with you! Your mother should have killed herself rather than let something unclean like you be born!"  
  
Time stopped for Cho Gonou at those final words. These men and their hateful words, the words and the mindset that had influenced Kanan to kill herself, to die honorably rather than give birth to a child. An abomination like the man they were slowly killing, an abomination like Gonou himself had become. Even if he had rescued Kanan, men like this would have sought her death, would have killed her anyways. the monsters...  
  
The terrible scream alerted the five hunters, but none of them had time to react as a nightmare of blood and earth descended from the trees and launched itself at them in a killing fury. Claws tore them to shreds, blood spilling into the stream, the water churning with mud and blood, and then it cleared, sweeping the destruction and corpses away, and Gonou was left alone with the limp half-breed. *Funny how the water cleans it all away,* Gonou mused, lifting the battered body clear of the water. Rolling the man to his side, Gonou carefully cleared the man's lungs of water, and with a choking gasp, the red head began to breathe again. One eye cracked open feebly, and for one brief moment red locked with startled green before sliding closed again.  
  
*He looked at me. and it was if he laughed at me too.*  
  
Oblivion was going to have to wait. There was a life in his hands, a life that depended on him, and Cho Gonou was not going to fail again. 


	2. Conversations and Dreams

A/N: Thanks to Veszelyite, UltraM2000 and Michele for their very kind words, and alerting me to the fact that I needed to allow for anonymous reviews to make things easier! Danke, danke!  
  
Disclaimer: Saiyuki and characters belong to Kazuya Minekura… and I hope she never stops writing and drawing them.  
  
______________________________________  
  
"Hell is a lot more rustic than I thought it would be."  
  
The weak voice startled Cho Gonou as he was feeding the fire. For a week now, he had tended the badly injured half-breed, who had not regained consciousness after the brief meeting of eyes on the bank of the stream. Gonou had been forced to take a trip back to Hyakugan Maoh's fortress to scavenge for medicines, blankets, food, everything he needed in order to save the redhead. No one there needed any of those things anyways, and his speedy rummage had even turned up a small box of power limiters. The set of three clips slid easily over his ear, and at least now on the outside, he no longer resembled the monster he had become.   
  
"My apologies at the accommodations, but I fear there are none better available." Gonou had not been willing to stay in the corpse-filled castle, and he had set up a small camp under a small overhang of rock not far from Kanan's grave. Carefully pouring out a measure of the tea he had been keeping warm, Gonou moved over to the prone man. One red eye blinked curiously at him from a sea of bandages and bruises. Gonou maneuvered the man to a more upright position, leaning the man's head against his shoulder to support him. "Here, try to drink some of this."  
  
The half-breed managed to get his hand around the cup, but Gonou had to assist him in drinking, the redhead was still too weak to manage on his own. "Gah," the patient gasped as the bitter fluid slid down his throat. "This has to be good for me, 'cause it tastes like shit." Gonou had to suppress a twitch at the casually spoken vulgarity; after all, compared to the stains now on his soul, a little harsh language was nothing he could look down upon.   
  
"Well, I did put a strong dose of willow in it, but that was the only antipyretic I felt was safe to use on you." Gonou explained. "The medicine kit I found is a little… esoteric for my tastes. Fortunately, it seems you have a very high regenerative capability, and the damage done to your internal organs wasn't as bad as I had initially assessed."  
  
"Doc, is there any way that you can translate that back into Chinese?"  
  
"Um, you are going to live?"  
  
"Heh, yeah I think I figured that out Doc."  
  
"I'm not actually a physician, I just have a basic knowledge of medicine." Gonou replied, a bit defensively, for he did not want the redhead to form an incorrect opinion of him.  
  
"So what do I call you then?"  
  
"My name is Cho Gonou."  
  
"Sha Gojyo. I don't suppose you can tell me where those five assholes went. I really don't feel like meeting up with them again, but I can't remember anything after being kicked in the head."  
  
Gonou hesitated, then shifted to squarely meet the gaze of his patient. Gojyo's eye was slowly dilating under the effect of the soporific Gonou had place in the tea. "I killed them, and dragged you out of the stream where they had been drowning you." He felt Gojyo shudder under his arm at those words, and the hand holding the cup sagged downwards.  
  
"You killed them to save me." A small tired smile twitched at the corner of Gojyo's torn mouth which dissolved into a yawn. His eye began to sag shut again, and Gonou felt the half-breed sliding back into sleep. "Always trying to save me." he murmured.  
  
Gonou gently placed the redhead back down onto the blankets. One of the things that becoming a demon had granted him, was the amazing ability to tell how Gojyo was injured. It was like a map of energies that flowed under his fingers that he could suddenly now read. He had been able to trace the broken bones and known when he had set them correctly. Organs reported damage to him, he knew which ones needed to be treated, and which were healing on their own. The worst injuries had been the multiple breaks in Gojyo's right hand, where it had been stomped on, the gunshot wound to the shoulder, and the damage to the right eye. Gonou had been able to extract the bullet, and carefully align the bones in the hand, but the eye was troubling. Gonou could sense that the eye was healing, but slowly, and there was still something wrong with it. Something lay just outside his grasp, there was a feeling that he should have been able to fix it, but he had no idea as to how. He saw the faulty energy, but he could not balance it.  
  
"I'm a teacher not a doctor," he hissed softly to the night air. Gonou leaned tiredly against a nearby tree. Book knowledge was one thing, actually having to apply it to someone had taken a lot out of him. "Not even that anymore. Now I'm a monster." He looked down at his limiter disguised hands. "A monster like the ones I killed." Unbidden, a little voice in his mind answered back. *Are you really?*  
  
*****  
  
This had to be a dream, because Kanan was with him. She met him with a laughing smile, twining her arms around his neck. She raised her face to be kissed, and Gonou readily acquiesced, tenderly claiming his beloved's lips, wrapping his arms around her waist. They sank to the ground, clothes vanishing along the way, and he made love to her, delighting in their passion, their all-consuming love. As they climaxed together, Kanan flung her head back and screamed. It was the wrong kind of scream. She went stiff, and the sweat glistening on her body turned into blood.  
  
Gonou flung himself away from her, he was clothed again, and back in the cell where Kanan had died. Blood stained everything, his clothes, the walls, Kanan. She was standing there, the blade dangling in her hand, blood pouring down her throat, a happy loving smile gracing her lips. Gonou felt the cold iron of the bars pressing against his shoulders as his feet scrabbled madly, trying to get farther away from the madness in front of him. "No no no no nononononono….."  
  
"What's wrong, my love? Aren't you happy? I killed a monster, killed it before it had a chance to ruin our lives." Her cheerful voice grated against him, tearing at his soul.  
  
"Yes, aren't you happy? She did the right thing you know. No one wants an abomination." The blue haired demon stepped into view next to Kanan, the gaping wound where his eye once was streaming red, a deluge drenching the floor, pooling out towards him.  
  
"No," he managed to gasp out. "No, Kanan. I didn't want this. I didn't want you to die. We could have done something…"  
  
"Yeah, you could have drowned it at birth." Five men appeared, all covered in gaping wounds, things that should have been inside dangling out, more blood rushing, it covered his ankles now. "Should have wrapped it in a sack and tossed in the river like an unwanted cat. Only thing to do with filth like that."  
  
Claws erupted from Gonou's hands, he could feel the changes whip through him, saw the leaves dance across his skin. "No! Kanan, I can't believe you would kill a child! I can't believe you killed your child!"  
  
"But it's not a child Gonou," and now her free hand was wrapped in a fistful of long red hair, a lanky man bound and kneeling helplessly before her. "It's a monster, a monster just like you. But don't worry love, after we kill this one, I'll free you from your pain." She raised the knife, and Gonou lunged forward…  
  
"NO!" His eyes snapped open, great heaving breaths shaking his frame. The fire was down to banked embers, and the sky was turning gray with false dawn. Gojyo lay a foot away, still deep in slumber, the rise and fall of his chest his only movements. His body did not seem to want to work properly, and it took nearly fifteen minutes to replenish the fire. He replayed the final moments of the nightmare in his head, and it was still unclear to him. Had he been trying to stop Kanan, save Gojyo, or meet the blade's stroke with his own heart?  
  
"Is is so wrong Kanan?" Gonou whispered softly. "Wrong to have wanted you to live? The baby? Gojyo? Is it wrong for me to live?" There was no answer. 


	3. Monks and Monkeys

A/N: ChiefRaz: I haven't forgotten about our other two bishies! True to canon, Sanzo's going to be thrown out the door by Kanzeon (via the Three Aspects) to "hunt down" Gonou. He'll take the monkey with him when he goes.  
  
M-Chan: Wondering about how Hakkai felt about Kanan killing herself rather than bearing a half-breed child, and how that affects his relationship with Gojyo is one of the things that led to this little writing experiment!   
  
UltraM2000: Never fear, I won't put Gojyo in a monocle. I've got eyewear in mind for him. (partially inspired by Reload #1) The dream sequence just suddenly roared out as I was writing, and I ended up having to bump Sanzo and Goku to Chapter 3. But I think it works out better this way.  
  
Disclaimers: The Saiyuki characters Genjo Sanzo and Son Goku belong to Madam Kazuya and Dr. Yang (and Iron Monkey) are from the movie Iron Monkey by Yuen Wo Ping. I'm just borrowing them.  
  
___________________________________  
  
Genjo Sanzo the 31st, bearer of the Maten Scripture, firmly believed that bureaucratic paperwork was somebody's idea of a sick joke. Read this, stamp that, Sanzo-sama this is very urgent and have you reviewed the correspondence from the southern provinces yet? No wonder Koumyou had run off to the isolated temple where he had raised Genjo and spent his time folding paper airplanes. The fact that Sanzo was good at paperwork in no way changed his opinion as to the idiocy of it all. Sanzo had developed the knack of dropping into a trance the moment he sat behind a desk, and while the majority of his consciousness went on a long smoke break, a single facet of his personality leapt into high gear.  
  
This aspect of Sanzo was the bane of all of Chang 'An's scribes and clerks. He terrorized them with his perfection. Misspellings, bad grammar, sloppy brushstrokes, all fell under Sanzo's demanding eye, with faulty offerings summarily discarded, pitched into the fire, and occasionally sailed out the window in the form of a plane. He had been spending the better part of a morning screaming at his clerks when a messenger scurried in.  
  
"What is it now?" he snapped, still waving an inferior document under the nose of the cowering clerk.  
  
"The Sanbutsushin command your presence Sanzo-sama," the messenger bowed humbly, his words alerting the rest of Sanzo that break-time was over. He came back to himself with a rush, and stared down at the paper he was holding. He had no idea what he had just been arguing about, so he simply shoved the document at the clerk.  
  
"We're done for today." He could feel the clerk's relief as he strode out of the stuffy office. Insulated little moron, all of them. Overfed, soft little mice that would drop dead of fright the moment something truly threatening ever occurred.  
  
"Oi! Sanzo! Sanzo, let's get something to eat!" Across the courtyard, a burst of chaotic energy stormed through the tranquility, rushing towards him in a flurry of red and brown and gold. It splashed through the fish ponds and then ran muddy footprints through the carefully raked sand garden, vaulted over a statue, leaving sand and mud on Buddha's dignified shoulders, and crashed to a merry stop next to the priest, knocking down the messenger. Chang 'An's resident demon had arrived. "It's lunchtime Sanzo, and I'm so hungry!"  
  
"Then go get something to eat, Goku. I'm busy." Sanzo's pace didn't slow as he descended the steps, and Goku turned to follow him.  
  
"Busy? But it's lunchtime Sanzo! We were supposed to go to the dojo after lunch! You promised!" Goku's whine was reaching ultrasonic levels, accompanied by a growling stomach. Sanzo could feel his blood pressure rising, and his hand itched towards the harisen he kept tucked in his sleeve.  
  
"I said I was busy Goku. In fact I probably won't be back until tomorrow, as the Sanbutsushin want to see me. Go stay with Yang." As far as Sanzo was concerned, the conversation was now over.  
  
Goku, however, had as usual missed that fact. "Tomorrow! But that means you'll be gone all night! I don't want to stay here all by myself! Let me come with you!"  
  
Sanzo whirled, one long finger pointing directly at Goku, who ground to a stop. The meekly following messenger darted hastily to the side, not wanting to get in between the volatile priest and his charge. "I said no. Get that straight monkey. Stay here until I come back." The finger stabbed downwards. "If you are hungry go hit up Yang for some food." Sanzo flicked his hand in the direction of the temple infirmary.  
  
Shifting nervously from one foot to the other, Goku asked in a small voice, "You'll be back? Tomorrow?"  
  
Sanzo looked into worried golden eyes, and sighed. "Yes, I'll be back tomorrow." He turned and began to walk again towards the gates that led towards the massive complex that was the Palace of the Setting Sun, a persistent voice echoing in his mind. *You're coming back… you aren't leaving me… coming back…* He firmly tuned it out, not looking back, not wanting to see the eyes that followed him, that needed him. Four years of indifferent care, and the monkey just clung tighter.   
  
*Can you be his sun?*  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Sanzo-sama?" Came the confused voice of the messenger.  
  
"I wasn't talking to you." The messenger wisely fell silent.  
  
******  
  
Goku watched Sanzo disappear behind the gates with the messenger, and let out one more sigh. His stomach gave another rumble, which reminded him that it had been positively hours since he had last eaten. He glanced around the compound, and noticed that several monks were headed his way, and all of them looked angry about something. What had he done now? Goku had no desire to stick around and find out, and Sanzo did tell him to see Dr. Yang. Dr. Yang always had good food, Goku remembered, and he told really good stories too. Goku make a beeline for the infirmary, steadfastly ignoring the wails of the monks as he bounded through the gardens again.  
  
Dr. Yang had shown up in Chang 'An a year ago, claiming he wanted to spend his remaining years in quiet contemplation after the death of his wife. He had instantly befriended the young demon, and was the only person Goku had ever seen to beat Sanzo in a sparring match. The old doctor had begun showing Goku staff fighting, and afternoons in the dojo with Yang and Sanzo had become Goku's favorite time of the day. It was even better when the doctor invited them to dinner, because Yang could cook better than anyone else in the compound. But best of all were Yang's stories about a daring hero who protected people form a greedy and cruel governor, because the hero was called the Iron Monkey. Sometimes Goku would pretend to be the Iron Monkey, and run around on the rooftops, but Sanzo didn't like that very much.  
  
Dr. Yang was showing three of the novitiates how to mix some powders together when Goku swung into the room. His long white hair was bound back in a neat braid, and his clothes were neat and clean despite working all morning. Goku had no idea how the doctor did that, his own hair was forever tangled, and his clothes seemingly got dirty just by stepping out of the door.  
  
"Dr. Yang! Sanzo's gone for the whole day and he's not going to be back until tomorrow and I'm all alone and Sanzo said I should stay with you and I'm hungry!" Goku's explanation came out in a tumbling rush, ending on a very plaintive note that was firmly echoed by a now ragingly empty belly.  
  
"Oh my, is it lunch already Goku?" Dr. Yang gave the teenager a friendly smile, and just like that, a pear was flying through the air towards him. Goku snatched it eagerly.  
  
"Thank you! Oh, this is so good! Pears are my favorite!" It was a big pear, which took several bites to finish off which gave Dr. Yang time to dismiss his students to their afternoon chores.  
  
Sitting Goku down with a hastily prepared lunch the doctor inquired as to where Sanzo had gone. "Oh, it's those three heads again," Goku, said miserably. "They only call him when they want him to do something for them." Goku chased the last bits of soup up with his bread. "They're probably going to send him away again." Goku did not want to add the fact that Sanzo might go without him. Those were terrible times, as bad as when it snowed and trapped him inside.  
  
"Well, then just because Sanzo's not here, doesn't mean the two of us can't practice today." Dr. Yang said with a gentle smile. Dr. Yang had practiced both medicine and marital arts for his entire life, and had eventually mastered basic chi techniques. He could sense the phenomenal power that swirled around both Sanzo and Goku. But while Sanzo's chi was rigidly controlled and bound heavily into the scripture he carried, Goku's spun as wildly as a typhoon's. Yang hoped that his lessons would allow Goku to gain control of those deadly forces inside him, for power like that would never remain idle, and a limiter was a flimsy hope to keep it contained.  
  
The afternoon whiled away with a young boy whirling a wooden staff, and an old man calling out the stances.  
  
"Double Flight from the Sea!"  
  
"Carry the Bow!"  
  
"Monkey's Rod!"  
  
"Fisherman's Paddle!"  
  
"A Strong Force Flows from North to South!"  
  
*****  
  
Sanzo returned from the Palace of the Setting Sun the next day in a grim mood. He stopped long enough to pick up his revolver and Goku, who flat out refused to be left behind. It would be more than two months before Yang would see either Goku or Sanzo again, and they would return with his final two students; a warrior whose fierce desire to live was sustaining the other, who carried the potential to take Yang's place as a healer and confidant. 


	4. Balance and Disorientation

A/N: Oof. Getting inside Gonou's head isn't fun. He tends to obsess over things like hands and blood and wants to sit and brood. Thankfully Gojyo tends to know what to do to push the story back on track.  
  
UltraM2000: I don't know if Iron Monkey is a real legend or a "Movie Legend", but the young boy in the movie was a real person and a great hero to the Chinese back in the late 1800's.  
  
Firnheledien: Thank you for your kind review. I'm flying without a beta, so it's nice to know I'm not flubbing my grammar too badly!  
  
Veszelyite: Mmmm… tea and cookies! Just the fuel for hungry muses!   
  
Devera: Right now the boys are in a lot of pain, but they are soul mates. I want them to have a solid footing in friendship first before I decide whether or not to make them lovers. (tempting!)  
  
badger wolf: Thank you! I like standing things on their head to see how they fall. This has been fun so far!  
  
Disclaimer: If Saiyuki belonged to me, Yaone, Lirin and Rasetsunyo would be the happiest she-demons in the world with all those luscious men to choose from. But it doesn't belong to me, so the throw-down cat-fight between Gyokumen and Rasetsunyo hasn't happened. Sigh.  
  
__________________________  
  
Sha Gojyo had always been intrigued by mysteries, and Cho Gonou was the biggest enigma he had ever met. On one hand he had matter-of-factly confessed to killing the five men who had been hunting him, but he was down right squeamish whenever Gojyo swore. He had the mannerisms of not only an educated man, but a teacher, so what was he doing out in the middle of the woods? Gonou projected a calm façade of courteous concern, but whenever he thought Gojyo wasn't looking, the mask slipped to show an emotion that scared the half-breed. The last time he had seen someone standing on the edge of sanity was his step-mother, and he still bore those scars on his face and soul. He was just as helpless now as he was all those years ago, and there was no one to save him this time if Gonou fell to the madness.  
  
So, despite the fact that every breath made his ribs ache, every twitch made his battered shoulder cry in agony, and incessant pounding of his head, Gojyo refused the pain medications that Gonou offered. Gojyo needed every single wit he had remaining, and being hopped up on what was obviously high-quality opium from Gonou's mysterious kit increased the chance that Gojyo might accidentally say or do the one thing that would push his caretaker over the edge. He had come close a few times, the latest when he had asked where they were the previous day.  
  
"I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention when I took off out of town. Most of the time, I don't get followed too far, but those five were pretty persistent. Tracked me for four days, and I have no idea where I ended up."  
  
Gonou looked over at him and pointed off northwards. "Hyakugan Maoh's fortress is about six miles that way. Not much else around here."  
  
"The Centipede Clan? Hell, even I've heard of them. No offense, but I think we probably need to be a bit further away than six miles. Those bastards are really nasty and territorial."  
  
"Oh, they won't be bothering us." The curious flat tone in Gonou's voice seized Gojyo's full attention. Bitter experience set off Gojyo's alarms: teeth slightly bared, stiffened shoulders, fists twitching, and a dangerous glint in Gonou's eyes all shouted familiar warnings and Gojyo hastily leapt for what was a sure, if painful diversion. He took a deep breath, overfilling his lungs and straining his cracked ribs, which prompted a coughing fit that wracked his body with agony. Hands were instantly there to steady him, a quiet voice cutting through the haze of pain.   
  
"Gojyo-san, are you alright?" The calm mask was securely in place again, and the green eyes displayed only their usual detached worry over Gojyo's injuries. One more dance on the razor's edge of sanity, and Gojyo had won again, even if it meant his feet were bloody. Gonou hadn't run screaming off into the woods with that terrible look in his eyes, or picked up the ax and finished the swing Gojyo's mother had never landed.  
  
"I... I guess I'm just tired." Gojyo said slowly, his head bowed in weariness. Gonou leaned over him and slipped a cool hand on Gojyo's neck, his thumb resting gently against the twin scars running down Gojyo's cheek. Gojyo could feel the slight tingle of Gonou "reading" his injuries, and then he sat back with a sigh.  
  
"There's no sign of infection, but you have a low fever and you really aren't getting much rest with the constant pain. Are you sure you don't want the opium? It's the only thing in the kit I recognize that will do you any real good. If we're careful with it, you should be alright."  
  
"Thanks, but I'd rather not take the risk." Gojyo had a new piece to his puzzle of Cho Gonou. Whatever was eating at him now contained the words Centipede Clan, family, and women. And with what Gojyo knew of that Clan's particular habits a rough outline of Gonou's problem was taking shape. *But why is he so sure they'll leave us alone? What happened out here?*  
  
*****  
  
Two weeks had passed since Kanan died. Two weeks since he had thrown away his humanity, and his entire life had come crashing down around him. Two weeks since Sha Gojyo had dropped into his lap, a man whose desire for life had outweighed Gonou's need for death. Gojyo was currently dozing fitfully, his breath coming in the soft whimpers of pain that the half-breed only gave into when sleeping, red hair spilling down his shoulder, across his throat, glistening like blood... reminding him of his sins, admonishing him...  
  
*No. Stop it. It's just his hair. Not that.*  
  
Gonou shuddered, chasing the images away. He walked over to Gojyo, and gently brushed the hair back, revealing the clean lines of an unmarred throat. *See, it's not blood. It's just hair in my hand, not blood.* He let the crimson strands fall through his fingers, leaving unstained flesh behind. How long Gonou sat there, staring blankly at his hands, he didn't know. But a familiar voice pulled on the edges of his mind, calling out to him. Dragging his eyes upwards, he saw Gojyo twitching in his sleep, incoherent words tumbling from his lips. A quick glance towards the sun told Gonou it was already past noon. If he was going to catch any fish for their dinner, he needed to head out now. Regretfully, he shook Gojyo's shoulder, waking the redhead out of his dream.  
  
"What is it?" came the sleepy mumble.  
  
"I'm going to be gone for a few hours, and I didn't want you to wake up to find me gone."  
  
"Mmm... thanks. Where are you going?"  
  
"Fishing, there's a good spot not far from here."  
  
Gojyo nodded and levered himself upright. "Hunh, head's not so bad today. No dizziness anymore. Bring me back a mermaid, will ya?"  
  
Gonou gave a startled blink. "A mermaid?"  
  
A lazy, heated smile curved across Gojyo's face, "Finest piece of tail you'll ever find. Beats learning how to jerk off left-handed." For a moment, Gonou could only stare at Gojyo in disbelief. A crimson eye crinkled in amusement and Gojyo began to chuckle. "Oh, Gonou you should see your face! I do believe you're blushing!"  
  
Gonou shook his head and rose to collect the fishing gear he had put together. He was surprised at how good it felt to hear Gojyo's laugh. It fell so easily from his lips, and Gonou knew that though Gojyo's mirth had been at his own expense, the redhead had not truly been laughing at him, but including him in the jest.   
  
"Try not to set yourself on fire again while I'm gone. There's some rice cooked if you get hungry."  
  
"Nag, nag. I'm not going to move from this spot, and that was an accident. Misjudged the distance is all." Gojyo made a shooing motion with his good arm. "Go on, I'll be fine and fish sounds good tonight."  
  
The fish were biting well, and Gonou returned with the afternoon sun still fairly high in the sky. He quickly set up the catch to a slow cook, and refilled the water kettle. "Gojyo, I want to take a look at your eye before dinner. I think it has healed as much as it is going to, and..."  
  
"And the sooner we know if I can see out of it the better, right?" Gojyo finished, plucking nervously at the sling his right arm rested in.  
  
Gonou nodded in confirmation. "I just need to set up a few things, and it is best if we do this while there is still good light." Receiving a jerky nod in reply, Gonou set out some of the last remaining bandages and waited for the water in the kettle to heat over the small cookfire.   
  
The outer wrapping and first layers of bandage came off easily, but the inner layers were sticky with dried blood and film. Gonou carefully loosened the gauze with the warm water, slowly easing it off the eyelid. Fading bruises and more dried blood covered the lid which was held shut firmly by yellowish drainage. Gonou gently gripped Gojyo's chin and began to clean the eye. "Let me know if you are in discomfort Gojyo-san."   
  
"Just keep going." Gojyo's free hand reached up and wrapped around the wrist under his chin. Gonou finished clearing the lid of debris, and tilted Gojyo's face towards the light.  
  
"Open it." The lid trembled a moment, then slowly parted, the eye underneath coated with film. Gonou felt Gojyo's hand tighten against him, and tremble. "Wait, let me flush this out, there is still some residue left." Warm water washed down Gojyo's face, carrying the last obstructions away. The eye looking out was dark, the pupil dilated to it's fullest extent with only a thin red iris showing. For a long moment, nothing happened, then the black suddenly retreated as it finally reacted to the light. Two identical crimson eyes stared at Gonou, then Gojyo winced.  
  
"Everything's... off. I can't... it's all twisting out of focus." There was a faint note of hysteria in Gojyo's voice, and the grip on Gonou's wrist became crushing. "Shit shit shit..."  
  
"Relax, Gojyo. I want you to close your left eye. Let's see what we really have here, alright?" Gonou put some authority into his voice, commanding Gojyo the way he would have one of his students. Holding up a finger, he placed it directly in front of Gojyo's right eye. "Now tell me if you can see my finger clearly."  
  
A few minutes of experimentation proved that while Gojyo still had his full peripheral vision and could track the finger's movement, he could not focus his eye past four inches. Trying to see out of both eyes rapidly disoriented him, the conflicting images from the damaged eye producing a nauseating headache. Gonou hastily replaced the outer wrappings to serve as a patch. Finishing up, he turned from the silent redhead to complete dinner.  
  
"Don't leave." the request was so quiet, Gonou almost missed it.  
  
"Gojyo-san?"  
  
"Please don't leave me." Everything sat in that simple request. Don't go. Stay. Live.  
  
He pushed the fish to the side and wrapped his arms around Gojyo, the taller man fitting against his body perfectly.   
  
"I'm right here." 


	5. Friends and Inquisitors

A/N: Took a brief trip to visit friends, so the boys sat on the back burner for a bit. Gave me a chance to flesh out Gojyo's life between Jien and Hakkai though... poor kappa. However the hardships he survived are what gives him the core of strength to bounce back from what life (and fanfic authors) throws at him. Or as Sanzo might say: "That which does not kill me had better run away damn fast." (And you can't outrun a bullet!)  
  
I have read sources that have said Gojyo was either 8 or 12 years old when his step-mother finally snapped, but have never seen anything definitive. So I decided to split it and in this AU he was 10.  
  
MoMo-kun: Well, in order for Hakkai to stay with Gojyo, Gonou is going to have to leave. Painful, but irrevocably necessary.  
  
UltraM2000: Yeah, Gojyo is "street-smart" rather than "book-smart". But I'm hoping that his experience treading on the darker sides of life are going to give Gonou a whole new perspective. Certainly nothing Gonou has to "reveal" will shock the kappa. It'll be more the other way around.  
  
Wind Wanderer and Mia: Thank you both for your appreciation! Hope you continue to enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: Saiyuki isn't mine. Not one little smegging bit. Not even the skintight black leather pants Gojyo wears. Ahem.  
  
___________________________________  
  
For the first time in Gojyo's life, someone was there. Someone who had stayed after everything had fallen apart on him. Jien had left him, Mother's cooling body on the floor and Gojyo's cheek burning with the bone-deep gouges. Lian was gone, a dead soul in a living body, devoured by the life he had fled from five years ago. But Gonou was here, supporting him, being the ground underneath his feet, holding him gently in a way that offered comfort without demanding anything in return.  
  
It should have repelled him, being touched so familiarly. The women with whom he had spent time with over the past few years always woke up alone; he never stayed in their arms after he was done. Certainly no man ever had since Gojyo discovered at age fourteen that no one human was a match for his demonically enhanced strength and speed. But Gonou had slipped past all of his defenses as easily as water through sand.  
  
It may have been only minutes, it may have been hours, but Gonou finally broke the silence. "Gojyo, this really isn't as bad as it seems. Your eye still works."  
  
"It works, but I can't use it. Nothing will focus, and I just get dizzy trying. Face it, I've got a blind side." A small bitter laugh escaped his lips. "I can't judge distances anymore, you saw that when I nearly reached into the fire two days ago." Gojyo was about to continue when Gonou gave him a slight shake.  
  
"Gojyo, the eye *works*. All you need is a corrective lens. They're a little expensive, and you'll need a very strong prescription, but the problem is correctable."  
  
"A corrective... you mean glasses? Gonou, I can't go see a doctor. Even if I had the money for something like that, I've been spending the past few years as far away from educated people like doctors for a reason."  
  
"Because you are a half-breed? Is that it?"  
  
There, the word was in the open. Gojyo knew Gonou was aware of what he was, but they had never actually brought it up in conversation. He pulled away from Gonou. "Yes, damn it. Because I'm taboo. The last doctor I ran into wanted to study me... take me apart... because he'd never heard of a half-breed living to near-adulthood."  
  
"So find a doctor that either doesn't know, or doesn't care. Further south and east possibly. There aren't many demon tribes that way, so there is less likelihood of anyone remembering what a half-breed looks like." Gonou looked thoughtful, as if this was simply an exercise placed in front of him. "Nanjing perhaps?"  
  
"No. Not Nanjing." Memory rose at the mention of the city, it's smells, it's crowds, it's... appetites. Five years since he fled from it's cruel grasp. "I won't go back there."  
  
*****  
  
As towns went, it wasn't much. Semi-isolated, with only a small river-trade route through it, there was not enough wealth to attract organized crime, and it was populous enough to discourage the small bandit packs that roamed wherever there was opportunity. The river had enabled Sanzo and Goku to reach the place where Cho Gonou had once lived with a week of traveling.  
  
The few dockworkers stared in awe at the sight of the blonde priest and his immaculate robes striding down the gangplank, Goku tagging alongside with their pack, a short staff in his hand. Sanzo picked what he thought was the most intelligent of the lot, and stopped. "Where can I find your mayor?"  
  
"Jiang Yifu? He's at his office."  
  
Idiot. "And where exactly would I *find* his office?"  
  
The dock man looked startled at hardened tone, and flinched away a bit. "It's a two story building with blue trim next to the Merchant's Guild, Hoshi-sama."  
  
"Thank you. Goku quit staring at the fish and let's go." Sanzo began to walk away, towards the town center.  
  
"But, Sanzo, I'm hung..."  
  
CRACK. Goku rubbed his head as the fan disappeared back into Sanzo's sleeve. "I really don't want to hear it right now. I know you're hungry. Keep this up, and I'm putting you back on the barge to Chang 'An."  
  
The threat worked, and Goku slunk next to Sanzo, attempting to sulk. For the two minutes it took to reach the town, Sanzo had blissful silence. Wonderful, serene silence. "Sanzo! Look! They've got buns! Look! Look! Can I have a bun? Please? One little bun?" So much for silence. Sanzo ignored Goku, instead inventorying all the houses he was passing. Every single house bore signs of mourning; the small family graveyards and shrines all bore signs of new additions. This was definitely the place. Approaching the building that housed the local administration, Sanzo noted the two guards outside the door. Both men held their weapons awkwardly, and their condition was poor. Goku could probably knock them out with his breath.  
  
*I wonder how many guards were left alive after Gonou got done here and moved on to Maoh's place? These two jokers looked freshly pulled from the rice fields.* Both guards goggled at the priest's approach, eyes fastened on the golden headdress, and the red chakra that proclaimed his status. *Probably the first time they've even seen real gold. Maybe I can get in and out of here with the information I need easily.*  
  
"Goku, wait here for me, I should only be a minute." He tossed a few coins towards Goku, who caught them with a quick snap of his hand. "Get some lunch for me while I'm inside." Sanzo knew by the time he came out, the money would be spent, the food eaten, and Goku would be "sorry". But with his charge's mind on the food vendors' wares, it would not be on causing mischief. Goku eagerly bounded towards the stall with a happy smile, and Sanzo turned to the guards. "Please escort me to Mayor Jiang."  
  
The mayor was in a meeting with the town council according to his assistant, but Sanzo wasn't in the mood to cool his heels while the council was informed of the surprising presence of an important priest. Sanzo brushed off the man, and flung open the doors to the council room, taking two steps in and stopping in a square of light from the large windows. Before any protests could be raised, Sanzo spoke in a voice like winter, cold and implacable. "I'm here on the matter of Cho Gonou."  
  
The council froze, staring at the blazing gold and white figure dominating the room. Sanzo had counted on overwhelming them with sheer force of presence, getting that very important unguarded moment of initial shock, where their emotions would be most apparent. Fear and anger played across the faces of the council members faces, heavily laden with grief at the losses Gonou had inflicted. But riding over all of that was something Sanzo had not expected. Guilt. On all the faces, in all the postures, no matter what else they felt at the mention of Cho Gonou, all of them felt guilt. How interesting. Sanzo continued forward, dropping his hands firmly on the table, leaning slightly into their space, violating it, controlling it. He felt them shrink away from him, unable to take back any sort of initiative, wilting under his violet stare. Sanzo's smile offered no reassurance, just a wordless demand that the truth had better start spilling out. "Mayor Jiang, let's start with you, shall we?"  
  
*****  
  
"I won't go back there." Gojyo's face had shut down, but the defeated look that had been in his eye had vanished, replaced with determination.   
  
"It was your home?"  
  
"Home? It was never home. It was where I ended up when my home was gone. It took me four years to escape it, and I'm never going back." Gojyo's free hand absently rubbed the scars on his cheek. "Trust me my friend, you don't want to go there, and I sure as hell won't."  
  
Such simple statements that raised so many questions. Gonou wanted to reach out, ask what had happened there, but he knew that if he asked, if he pried, then Gojyo would have the right to ask the same of him. Gonou did not want to see the condemnation that would be on the half-breed's face should he learn the extent of Gonou's crimes. He saw enough of that in his dreams. But he needed to know one thing.  
  
"Did you mean that Gojyo?"  
  
"What, that Nanjing is a shithole? Absolutely."  
  
"No, when you called me your friend. Did you mean that?"  
  
Gojyo froze for a single moment. "I did say that, didn't I?" His hand played at his sling in his familiar nervous gesture. "Yeah, I meant it. You know, I don't think I've ever had a friend before. Never stuck around one place long enough to have one."  
  
"I've never had a friend either." Gonou confessed. He had been a loner in the orphanage, and he and Kanan had never socialized much in the town where they had lived. Like Gojyo, they had their own secrets to protect. Gonou had maintained a polite civility to his neighbors, willing to lend a hand when needed, but keeping a comfortable barrier between them. But that barrier was rapidly disintegrating, and Gonou knew that his secrets wouldn't be safe from Gojyo much longer. "So, it's new ground for both of us."  
  
"Huh." A wry grin swept across Gojyo's face. "Well, my friend, is there any chance dinner is salvageable?"  
  
Gonou cast an appraising eye on the now cold fish and gave a thoughtful click of his tongue. "Possibly. If we reheat this while the rice is cooking... yes, that might work."  
  
"Glasses... damn, that sounds so... respectable. You're not even supposed to hit guys with glasses. I could see you in glasses, ya know, say in a library with tons of scrolls and a big ass desk."  
  
Gonou smiled as he continued to rescue their dinner. He could almost see the room Gojyo described. "Gojyo I don't think you could be respectable if you tried... my friend." Gonou ignored the rude noise coming from Gojyo's bed. He really almost could see that library, messier than he preferred, and someone who was, and wasn't Gojyo, standing there laughing at something he didn't quite understand, arms wrapping around Gonou, and Gonou tilting his head up slightly to meet his kiss...  
  
*WHAT?* Gonou roughly shook himself out of the trance. *What on earth was THAT? How could I even THINK that?* A quick glance across the fire showed Gojyo occupied attempting to shuffle a battered deck of cards with only one hand. Gonou pulled his scattered wits together.  
  
"Dinner's ready." A nice neutral sentence, voice under control. Good.  
  
"Great, I'm starved. Hey, wanna play poker after?"  
  
"What, you mean cards? I've never played it before." Push away those thoughts.  
  
Gojyo smiled the toothy grin of a shark scenting blood in the water. "Well, it's not too hard."  
  
*****  
  
Goku had really meant to save some of the food for Sanzo, really he had. He had even put the buns in a different bag, just for the priest. But the three kids playing in the street had looked so hungrily at Goku's lunch he had given them the buns. He knew what it was to be hungry, and how could he ignore that when he had food?  
  
"Why do you carry a staff Goku-san? Are you a warrior?" One of the children asked as they were finishing off the last buns. Goku-san... no one had ever called him that before. It made him feel a little important, almost grown up.  
  
"It's for training. Dr. Yang, my sensei, said I shouldn't neglect my practices just because I'm on a journey." Goku gave the staff a practiced twirl, feeling the smooth wood slide obediently to his commands.  
  
"You have a sensei? What is he like?" The other two children looked expectantly at Goku.  
  
"Well, he's really old, and he knows tons about fighting and medicine. He came to stay with us after his wife died."  
  
"Did she get taken away by demons?"  
  
Goku was startled at the question. "Um, no, I think she was just old. Why?"  
  
"Demons took away our sensei's wife. Mother said it was because Cho-sensei was bad, and hurt people. If you're bad, then the demons take you away. We don't know why the demons took sensei's wife, I guess she was bad too."  
  
Goku wasn't entirely sure what to make of this. After all, he was a demon, and he'd never taken anyone away for being bad. He'd pummeled a few people, but mostly because they had threatened Sanzo, which sort of made them bad in his eyes. And didn't Sanzo say they were looking for Cho Gonou because Cho had killed a lot of demons? Was it because the demons took away his wife? Did demons do that? "Are you sure? About the demons?"  
  
All three children looked up at him with identical expressions, ones that clearly said they thought he was being a stupid adult. It was a bit disconcerting, because Goku was sure *he* was supposed to be the one using that face on other grown-ups. "Of course. Mother said so. Demons always come and take bad people away."  
  
"Well, see, that can't be right because I'm a..."   
  
THWACK! Goku went sprawling, a large white fan solidly planted on the back of his head. He looked up to see Sanzo standing where he had just been, a severe scowl taking in the foursome. The other three children had the presence of mind to rapidly scatter into other portions of the marketplace.  
  
"I do believe that I specifically mentioned before we left Chang 'An that you were not to reveal the fact that you are a demon, did I not?" Sanzo's voice was low, and pitched to Goku's ears alone.  
  
"Umm... yes."   
  
"And yet I step out from my delightful little conference with the biggest bunch of sell-outs it has ever been my misfortune to meet to hear you about to announce that fact to a group of snot-nosed ankle-biters who would probably have immediately spread that all over this gods-forsaken rat-hole, thus making my job infinitely harder." Goku squirmed uncomfortably under Sanzo's severe gaze. Hopefully though Sanzo was angry enough about that not to ask about...  
  
"So where's my lunch?" 


	6. Hunters and Prey

A/N: What makes the grass grow? BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! Dismemberment and flying bullets are what makes Saiyuki great! (Well, that and the four totally hot boys in the jeep. Sigh, to be ten years younger...) But anyways, I think the boys have had enough "getting to know you" bonding so it's time for the truth to start spilling and the noose to start closing.  
  
Wind Wanderer: Please don't worry, that was about as romantic as things are going to get. (I am a firm believer that Tenpou and Kenren were a devoted couple but Gonou and Gojyo have quite a few hang-ups to work through. Especially Gojyo in this AU.)  
  
sf: Dear Sanzo, whose very presence causes grown men to swoon and women to swear. He's both very hard and easy to write, easy because I know what he's supposed to be doing in this story, but hard because he keeps grabbing the reins from me. Half of his lines are things I certainly never intended to write! Both his scenes in this chapter I had to completely re-do because he's such a control freak. Hope you continue to enjoy him!  
  
MoMo-kun: Gojyo's past will start opening up in the next chapter.  
  
Kath: Thank you for your review, and hope you continue to enjoy this little experiment of mine!  
  
lizalou42: I hope to use Dr. Yang as not only their teacher, but as a mentor of Hakkai and Gojyo. (Yang of course can never replace Koumyou in Sanzo's heart, and all Goku ever really needs is Sanzo.) I'm not sure how close this will end up to the series, I've got three years of time line to play around in!  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: Saiyuki and it's characters are the sole property of Kazuya Minekura. I don't get a single penny from this obsession of mine over a red head. (Does the carpet match the drapes? Inquiring minds want to know!)  
  
_____________________________________  
  
Gonou woke up just as the sun was beginning to peek through the trees. He had felt the sensation of being watched penetrate his dreams, but a quick scan of the little camp showed nothing. Gojyo was still asleep on the other side of the fire, curled against the rock face that provided their meager shelter. He began to roll the stiffness out of his joints as he pondered the day's chores. The few clothes he had scavenged all needed washing, he needed to check Gojyo's hand to see if the bones had finally knitted, they were running short on everything except for rice, *Face it Gonou, we won't be able to stay here much longer. If Gojyo's head is clear again today, you need to see if he can start walking around.*  
  
A building of energy within him halted the flow of Gonou's thoughts. He had unconsciously fallen into his old morning Tai-Chi ritual while thinking, as he often did at home, and the slow, disciplined kata was producing some surprising results. The old monk who visited Gonou's orphanage had taught all the children the basics of Tai-Chi, and explained how the graceful moves promoted the balancing of the body's chi, but for the first time Gonou was able to feel the results as his energies settled into the forms directed by his movements.  
  
*Is it because I'm a demon now? Can all demons do this sort of thing, feeling their energies move around like this? It must be connected to how I can read Gojyo's chi.* Gonou continued with the full kata, intrigued at how the classic stances chased away every last bit of fatigue, and left him clear-headed and relaxed by the subtle manipulation of his own chi. *I should have done this sooner. I had no idea how off-center I was. I wonder, though, what would it be like without the limiters?*  
  
Gonou slid his hand up towards his ear, and fingered the three cuffs thoughtfully. A glance confirmed that Gojyo was still oblivious to the morning, and Gonou carefully pulled the limiters off. His body shuddered as the metal cuffs clinked into his hand, a wild rush of power surging through him. His senses assaulted him; he had forgotten how sharp they were. *I can't believe how much this place smells! The fire, Gojyo, myself, even last night's dinner is still here!* He turned, letting the early breeze bring more scents to him. One odor caught his attention, sharp and pungent. Slowly, he made his way towards the limit of the encampment, slipping the limiters into his pocket.  
  
*Here, whatever this is, it was right here.* His eyes flicked around, looking for the source. His keen vision picked up the tracks on the forest floor, his nose led him to where one had rubbed against a tree, leaving strands of fur behind. *Wolves. There were wolves here not minutes ago. Watching us. But they don't like fire, they stay away from humans unless they are starving, and there is plenty of game around the woods. And I've never heard of them ever going up against demons. Why were they here?*  
  
The breeze shifted, carrying the smell of the camp back to him. Gonou stopped and carefully sampled the scents, trying to decipher what the pack had noticed to cause them to approach. *Fire, that's the strongest smell, fire and... blood.* Gonou froze, his mind kicking all the pieces into place. *It's Gojyo they're after. He's weak, injured, he smells of blood. He smells like... prey.*  
  
Gonou was moving, sweeping the entire perimeter, hunting down every last trace of the predators. Everything was fresh, if there were any lingering old traces, he could not find them. The pack's arrival must have been recent, perhaps only coming upon them last night. *I left Gojyo alone for hours yesterday. If they had been here then, they would have killed him.* How could he have been so careless as to think that he and Gojyo were perfectly safe? Rage and self-incrimination burned inside. He could hear them now, it was a large pack, sliding just outside of his vision, circling the camp, waiting for the right opportunity.  
  
"No." the word was a snarl of defiance. "Never again."  
  
Gojyo woke to the screaming of wolves.  
  
*****  
  
The pounding on the door matched the throbbing in his head, and the snoring in his ears. Sanzo opened one red-rimmed eye to try and figure out what in the hell was going on, and who was going to die. Judging by the color of the sky outside his window, it had to be early morning. *Did Goku put in some crazy wake-up call for breakfast? I'll kill him if he... no.* It wasn't Goku. If the monkey had one redeeming feature in Sanzo's eyes, it was the fact that he too preferred to sleep in late.  
  
Sure enough, Goku was in the other bed, flopped on his back, snoring and drooling into his pillow. The knocking at the door hesitated for a moment, and Sanzo could hear two people carrying on some sort of discussion. *Just go away.*  
  
"Genjo Sanzo-sama? Hello?" The knocking resumed.  
  
This had better be important. Sanzo levered himself upright, hissing softly at the splitting in his skull. How the hell anyone in this town got up early with the local sake being so strong was a damned mystery. *I'd have been better off doing tequila shots. Pants, pants, where the hell did I throw my pants?* Looking over he saw them lying on the chair halfway across the room with the rest of his clothes. *Damn the pants. I'm not walking all the way over there.* Jerking the sheet off the bed, and wrapping it around his waist solved his immediate clothing problems. Half stumbling to the door, he yanked it open and nearly got his head rapped on by an upraised hand.  
  
There is a preconceived notion as to what a Sanzo priest looks like and Genjo Sanzo was currently not meeting any of them. No fine robes clothed him, no freshly shaven head adorned with golden crown, and certainly no peaceful and wise demeanor. The two monks standing outside his room stared with flapping jaws at the wiry young man glaring balefully at them, thick blonde hair tousled from sleep covering his forehead and hanging over bloodshot eyes, and only a lone hand gripping an old hotel sheet was preserving any sense of modesty. The stench of tobacco and alcohol assaulted their noses and the monks stepped back in confusion.  
  
"I... we're so sorry. We thought this was Genjo Sanzo's room. Pardon our disturbance."  
  
Sanzo's eyes narrowed. "Wrong messenger bitch of the gods. I'm Hermes. See the toga?" He shut the door and leaned against it. Just great, now he wasn't going to be able to get any more sleep. Judging by the vacuous expressions on their faces, he probably had at least five minutes while they tried to figure out what had just happened, and came knocking again. Local monks from the look of them, he knew there was a temple down the road. *And I didn't stay there for a reason, damn it. I'm not here to pat their precious heads and tell them what good little holy men they are.* He heard the footsteps moving back towards the inn stairs. Good. He picked up one of Goku's boots and threw it at him.  
  
Goku came awake with a yelp and turned a hurt look at Sanzo. "What'd you do that for? It's early!"  
  
"No shit it's early. Go get me a pot of coffee, and spike it. My head's killing me. I'll be in the bath." Sanzo grabbed his clothes and more importantly, his cigarettes.  
  
Sanzo had managed to scrub most of the taste of whatever had died in his mouth out, and soaped off the sweat from last night's over-indulgence before Goku returned with the coffee, monks in tow. "Hey, Sanzo, these guys were looking for you downstairs. Can I go get some breakfast?"  
  
"Just give me the damn coffee and remind me to kill you later." Goku grinned and slid out the door. Sanzo glared at the wonder duo, who were staring at him uncomfortably. What did they expect, that he bathed fully clothed? Or perhaps they thought that Sanzos weren't supposed to have all the features everyone else did. "I am not a spectator sport so get the hell out." He slid into the soaking tub and poured himself a cup of coffee, savoring the infusion of caffeine laced with a sharp bite of whisky and lit his first cigarette.  
  
The shorter of the two monks cleared his throat anxiously, trying to keep his gaze fixed on the now revealed red chakra on Sanzo's forehead. "We heard of your arrival late last night, Master Sanzo, and the head of our order would like to welcome you to our temple."  
  
Amethyst eyes glowered, and Sanzo set the cup down freeing up one hand. "Are you deaf as well as stupid? I said: Get. The. Hell. Out." The final words were accompanied by the decisive clicking of a hammer being drawn back.  
  
Muffled gunshots sounded in the inn's dining room moments later, and Goku watched the two monks flee out the door, one of them clutching a bleeding ear. Turning back to the startled waitress Goku continued to order.  
  
"Is everything alright up there?" she asked with wide eyes, clutching at her order pad.  
  
"Oh, yeah, everything's fine. Sanzo's just really crabby when he's got a hangover. Did you get all that? I'm really hungry!"  
  
*****  
  
Gojyo was on his feet, back pressed against the overhang with a heavy section of log in his left hand before his brain had even fully awakened. Gonou was missing, and something out there was dying. There was a curious sort of terror that filled him hearing those terrible screams, but seeing nothing at all. For fifteen minutes, he listened to the sounds of death as one creature after another was picked off. It took him several minutes to even realize that it was wolves making those sounds, wolves weren't supposed to shriek like that. It wasn't until the taste of blood hit his tongue that Gojyo even realized he had bitten through his lip. *It's you isn't it Gonou.*  
  
As if his thought had summoned them, a large gray wolf shot from between the trees, running for it's life, and just behind it was Gonou. With almost casual grace, Gonou cut the wolf off, and before it could avoid him, Gonou's fist shot downward, just behind its shoulders. Not even the animal's desperate shriek could cover the sickening crunch of shattered bone as its spine was demolished under the force of the punch. The fist uncurled, and Gonou's talons extended, tearing deep into the fatally wounded wolf. It was fast and brutal, and when it was over, Gonou stood, head turning outwards, seeking his next target.  
  
"Gonou." No response. "Gonou, stop." Louder, but still nothing. Gonou began to step towards the woods. "Damn it Gonou, don't you fucking walk away from me!" Dead green eyes turned to look at him. *Shit, he's gone. Completely over the edge. Congrats, Gojyo, you got his attention. Now what are you going to do?* He set the log down carefully, not making any sudden moves. "Gonou come back to the fire."  
  
"It's the dream." Flat, inflectionless voice. Gonou glanced down at his blood-soaked hands. "I can tell, because of the blood. The blood on me, the blood on you." Gojyo barely had time to register the fact that Gonou was moving, when the demon was next to him. A taloned finger traced the blood running from Gojyo's bitten lip. "They came to kill you, and I stopped them. But she'll be here soon, and I can't stop her. I can never stop her."  
  
"Who is coming?" Gojyo whispered, shivering at the gentle touch, at the madness in Gonou's eyes, at his own fear.  
  
"Kanan is coming. She always does, you know. To kill you, to kill me. I failed her. Despite all the ones I killed, all the blood, I lost her. I lost everything." Wild, bitter laughter fell from the unsmiling mouth. "I couldn't save her, save the baby, save myself. I'm not going to be able to save you either."  
  
The talons traced a bloody path across his scarred cheek, reawakening memories of another deadly day. "What happened to her?" Gojyo asked, choking the words out past his growing panic. He could not lose control of himself now, with those claws drifting gently over his face. "Please, Gonou, talk to me."  
  
The talons stilled, settling along Gojyo's jaw line, thumb resting at the pulse point of his throat. "They took her. The village just handed her over, they wouldn't fight back. They didn't care about us, we weren't from there, had no family." Gonou's voice dropped to a hiss. "We were *orphans*. We didn't *understand* blood ties. Family. It was for the *best*. I'd *get over the loss*." Gonou locked eyes with Gojyo, the emptiness replaced with blazing hate. "Kanan was my sister! It was a miracle that we had even found each other again! And I didn't even know what they had done until she was gone!"  
  
Once he started, Gonou didn't stop. The words flowed out of him in a torrent, his eyes never leaving Gojyo's. He told Gojyo everything, the vengeance he had taken on the villagers, the long search for Hyakugan Maoh's castle, the slaughter of its inhabitants, finding Kanan, becoming a demon. Through it all, Gojyo could feel a curious reversal happening, and towards the end the hand was Gojyo's resting on the ivy-patterned cheek of Gonou, soaked in the tears pouring from green eyes.  
  
"...and I just watched as they beat you. I wasn't going to do a thing to stop them. I just wanted to die, to be with her again. Then they called you an abomination, a half-breed, and I realized that they were killing you for the same reason Kanan had died. They would have slit her throat had they been there, and she would have let them. I hated them for it, and I destroyed them just like I did everyone else. But when you looked at me, I knew. You were my last chance to save someone, anyone."  
  
Gonou's voice trailed off, utterly drained from his confession. His face was streaked with dried tears and blood. Gojyo had the odd sensation that if he removed his hand, Gonou would collapse like a puppet whose strings had been cut. "Gonou, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. None of this was your fault, all you did was refuse to roll over and let them win. Right now my friend, we're going to get cleaned up, and you are going to listen to me for a little while, OK?" *As much as I've been depending on him, it's nothing compared to what he needs from me. The wrong words from me won't end my life, they'll end his.*  
  
*****  
  
No one had set foot in the little house for over two months, not since Cho Gonou had emerged with a knife. Dust covered every surface, kicking up in small puffs as Sanzo searched the place. He had left Goku outside the door, with firm orders not to let anyone inside. The bathroom yielded up the first item Sanzo needed, a man's comb, with several short dark hairs still clinging to the teeth. Setting the small dining table upright uncovered a satchel used by teachers to store papers. Sanzo upended the contents onto the table and began to sort through them. Most were student papers in the process of being graded, but Sanzo was finally rewarded with a letter written by Cho Gonou with his signature on the bottom. Sanzo carefully tore the signature out and swept everything else off the table.  
  
Rolling the scrap of paper around the dark hairs, Sanzo pulled out a small locket on a chain. The locket was shaped into a downwards pointing triangle, and the small paper and hair packet barely fit inside. *If Maoh hadn't been such a paranoid asshole to keep his place sequestered, this would have been a hell of a lot easier.* A map flipped open across the table, and Sanzo smoothed out the folds until it lay flat. He set a pencil next to him, lit a cigarette and allowed the locket to slip through his fingers until it hovered just above the map.  
  
Slowly, Sanzo's eyes slid closed, and he began to pass his hand over the map, concentrating on nothing but the feel of the smoke curling through his lungs, allowing his hand and the locket to move randomly. He had burned through less than half of the cigarette when the chain jerked under his fingers, and the locket twitched sideways, angling away from the area underneath it. Sanzo picked up the pencil, and without looking down at the map made a practiced mark. Setting the pencil down, he rotated the map and began again with a fresh cigarette. Twice more the locket reacted, and twice more he marked the spot. After the third mark, he opened his eyes, and looked down.  
  
Three lines intersected in a perfect asterisk. The spot was a forest directly in the area under Maoh's control, and not far from a town that lay along the river route he was currently on. Sanzo reached out and slowly tapped the mark, and was rewarded with a flash of green eyes and dark hair.  
  
"Gotcha." he whispered. Pendulum dowsing was not a skill he used often, but with proper foci it was occasionally very effective. He began to lift his finger and call out to Goku when a second flash hit him. Red. It stood between him and Gonou. Red. A protective stubborn wall. Red. "Who the hell are you?" 


	7. Water and Kappas

A/N: Lots of exposition in this chapter, mostly from Gojyo about his past. (Warning: Involves child abuse, physical and sexual) The Triads are the Chinese equivalent of the Japanese Yakuza or the Italian Mafia. Also, while Gojyo still can't swim in my AU, he's not so panicked over being in water. He is a kappa after all, even if he's only a half-breed.   
  
Blades of Ice, terrorcotta, Wind Wanderer: You wanted more? Here ya go!  
  
Kath: Will Gonou become Hakkai? Hmmm...   
  
MoMo-kun: I figured Sanzo's investigative skills went beyond stuffing a gun in someone's face, and pendulum dowsing is a very old method. I tried to give Sanzo a pair of Feng-Shui monks to assist him last chapter, but he insisted on doing it himself.  
  
UltraM2000: I did mean Lian, Gojyo speaks about her in this chapter (she is an OC from the past I handed him). My sympathies on that 8-hour ordeal. Unruly children are bad enough, but when you can't escape (and tranking them with a dart gun isn't an option) that's a friggin nightmare!  
  
Lizalou42: Danke! Sanzo and Goku only have a brief appearance in this chapter, but I'm glad you like how I'm writing the resident blonde. They'll be back for the next installment, never fear!  
  
Disclaimer: The only part of Saiyuki I own are the six DVDs, one album, two Reload mangas, and the wall hanging of Sanzo in my computer room.  
  
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Gojyo could not believe how difficult it had been just to get to the stream. It wasn't very far, he'd been able to hear the water from camp, but every step pulled on his healing shoulder, sending streaks of pain through his body. Twice he'd had to stop, leaning heavily on Gonou, waiting until the grayness that clouded his one remaining eye receded and the pain subsided. For his part, Gonou simply drifted silently alongside, stopping when Gojyo stopped, and moving when Gojyo was ready to go on. But finally they made it, and Gojyo waded in, tugging Gonou along with him.  
  
The stream wasn't very wide and it only came up to his thighs, but he the water was clean and cool, with just enough current to carry the fresh stains of blood and dirt away. With a sigh, Gojyo let his tired legs fold, plunging him completely under the water. Soft, wet tendrils eddied under his sleeveless shirt, caressing his torso like a tender lover, plunging liquid fingers through sweat soaked hair, fanning the strands out in a crimson cascade, swirling over his lips with a cool kiss. The water tugged at his sling and eye patch, penetrating the protective layers to stroke the damaged areas underneath. Tension flowed away with the current, sweeping away the detritus of the morning and leaving renewed strength. *Welcome home, Gojyo.*  
  
A hand reached for him, gripping his good shoulder, pulling him back to the surface to meet worried green eyes. "Gojyo? What are you doing? Why are we... in the river... I..." Gojyo watched as both memory and sanity returned in a rush to Gonou, and hastily gripped the arm that held him.  
  
"Welcome back from bugga-bugga land, no don't!" Gojyo firmed his grip as Gonou tried to pull away from him, horror and self-loathing blooming in the brunette's face. "Listen to me. You are going to clean yourself up, then we are going to sit over there in the sun, and you are going to listen while I talk, understand?"  
  
"How can you even stand to look at me? After what I did?" Gonou looked as if he was expecting condemnation to fall from Gojyo's lips at any moment.  
  
"Let me throw that right back at you. How can you look at me, knowing what happened and who I am?" Gojyo released Gonou and drifted backwards in the water. "Don't answer that right now, just get clean. You've got wolf bits all over you." With that, Gojyo slipped back under the surface, allowing himself to drift to the bottom. *One thing I always did do well, sink like a frigging rock.*  
  
Gojyo watched from under the surface, as Gonou stood silently for a minute, then finally started cleaning himself. Gojyo finally began to feel the need for air, and pushed back up to the surface just as Gonou ducked under it, looking for him. With the limiters back in place over his ear it was almost as if the river had washed away the demon and left the human behind.  
  
"You were under a long time. I was... I was getting worried."  
  
"My old man was from a river clan. I can't stay under indefinitely like a full-blood, but I can last longer than humans can. Can't swim a lick though. Shallow place like this is safe enough."  
  
"Didn't your father teach you how to swim?" A tentative question, Gojyo could feel Gonou straining to keep the conversation neutral.  
  
"My father? Hell, no. He dumped his little bastard-born onto his wife and ten year-old son and vanished. Never heard from him again, and Mom threw out all his pictures. I don't even know what he looks like, or my birth mother either." Gojyo saw Gonou blanch in embarrassment at Gojyo's frank reply. "Jien, my half-brother, tried to teach me to swim, but I'm just not built for it. Glub, glub, down goes the little freak. But my amazing lack of swimming abilities isn't what I want to talk about. Think you're cleaned up yet?"  
  
Gonou looked down at himself, at the water now running clear around him, "Yes. It's all gone. Washed away."  
  
"Water's good for that sort of thing." Gojyo splashed back to the bank, and started to slide the sling off in order to remove his soaked shirt.  
  
Gonou was by his side in an instant. "Let me." His gentle hands carefully maneuvered the shirt off without jostling the right shoulder. "You really shouldn't have gotten this wet. I don't have any more gauze."  
  
"Pull it off and let it dry then. Think you're up to a few questions while you work on me?"  
  
Gonou went still, his eyes dropping to his hands still holding Gojyo's shirt. "Putting it off any longer really won't make it any easier." He said quietly.  
  
"Very true. Looking back, and knowing everything that you know now, is there anything you would have done differently? You can't change what anyone else did, only your own actions." Gojyo watched as Gonou slowly worked at the bandages holding his right hand to the splint.  
  
"No." It came out in a quiet sigh. "I would have still done it all again to save my Kanan." A tiny sad smile quirked briefly at his lips. "Perhaps I would have left my knife behind when I found her, so she would not have taken it, but that's all."  
  
"OK, that's pretty much what I thought. Once a guy like you makes something yours, you never let go." Gojyo grunted as his hand slid free of the splint, the fingers were numb and unresponsive. "And it's pretty clear that if anyone tries to mess with what's yours, you hand them their head on a platter. Literally."  
  
Gonou fussed with the wrappings, setting them carefully out to dry, and muttered a quiet, "I'm not sure. I never had anything taken from me before. I don't remember when my parents died, I do remember missing someone, but I didn't know it was Kanan until after I found her again."  
  
"Of course not." Gojyo said. "You grew up in one of those sheltered orphanages, didn't you?"  
  
"A missionary orphanage. What does that have..."   
  
"Yeah, completely sheltered." Gojyo interrupted. "They turned out a nice, clean-cut young man who didn't have a damned clue about how evil and nasty the rest of the world really was, and let me guess, your Kanan was raised the same way?" A brief flicker in Gonou's eyes was all the confirmation Gojyo needed. "Thought so. She just couldn't bear it, and took what she thought was the only option out."  
  
Gonou was shaking now, his head turned away from Gojyo. "And I suppose you would have known what she had to bear? You would have been able to stop her?"  
  
Gojyo leaned forward, resting his head on his knees, looping his left arm across his shins. Damp hair slid across his face, obscuring his vision in a curtain of red. For several minutes, no words were spoken between them. "Pay attention Gonou, I'm never going to say any of this again."  
  
"I knew she wasn't my real mother, but she was the only one I had. She couldn't stand to look at me, and anything could set her off. Black and blue and red all over, that was me." Memories of being backhanded into a door flickered past Gojyo's mind. A heavy belt crashing into his thin shoulders from tracking in a little dirt. Jien pulling Mother into the bedroom with a desperate, haunted look in his face to "calm her down".  
  
"Jien did his best to protect me, he did a lot of things a teenaged boy shouldn't have to do." He could tell Gonou was listening now, turning back towards him. "When I was ten, it finally all fell apart. I brought in some flowers that day, thinking it might make Mom happy, but she took one look at them, at me and just snapped. Hit me so hard I flew across the room, slammed me into the wall. Ripped my face wide open." A touch against his wrist, and Gojyo could feel Gonou gently manipulating the stiffened fingers on his hand.  
  
"I sat there against the wall, just trying to breathe again, when Mom came back at me. She had an ax in her hands, and she was crying, crying so hard. I knew then, that it was all over, that it was finally going to end, and Mom wouldn't be crying anymore. And you know what? I was OK with that, because I didn't want her to cry. I just closed my eyes and waited for the ax to fall. She made a noise then, just a soft sigh, and the ax hit the ground. And then she hit the ground, right there at my feet. I looked, and she wasn't crying anymore, wasn't breathing anymore either. There was all this blood, spilling right from her heart, and standing behind her was Jien. Holding a sword that had belonged to our father, coated in Mother's blood. He was crying. Just before everything went black on me, the last time I ever saw his face, I knew that I had done this. I had killed my mother and made my brother cry."   
  
Gojyo tilted his head to watch as Gonou rubbed life back into his fingers, they were starting to tingle and twitch. Looking at hands was easier than seeing the expression on Gonou's face, letting Gonou see the expression on his. "I woke up after it was dark, Mom still in front of me, and Jien was gone. I took off too, something inside me knew that when Mom was found the clan would finish the job she started. I thought maybe if I ran fast enough, I could find Jien." Tearing blindly through the woods, burning with wound-fever, a thousand "I'm sorrys" falling from raw, cracked lips.  
  
"I'm not sure how long I was wandering, days I think, but eventually I stumbled on a caravan camp. Saw the fires, and went right in, a skinny little kid with his face torn open, delirious from hunger and exhaustion, fell right into their laps. A little bit of drugs in the stew they handed me, and I woke up two days later, shackled in a closed up cart with three other kids." Dirty, secret little side trade. A few coins made sure no customs official ever looked inside, ignored the small sounds that whimpered through. "Turned out that one of the caravaners had recognized me for what I was, and that made me exotic enough to make a profit off of despite the damage to my face. In fact, I was so exotic that they dragged me all the way to Nanjing and sold my virgin half-breed ass to the Triads for real gold."  
  
"Could I have stopped Kanan from committing suicide? I don't know, but I would have tried, just like you would have. Known what she went through? I understand rape all too well, my friend. I know what it does to your mind, your soul. How you end up huddled in a corner, sobbing your heart out to an uncaring world, wondering what you did to deserve this pain. Thinking that if you could only just die, it would all be over. But they won't let you, instead they just use you. Over and over and over. You can't fight it either. They'll take you however they can, threats, violence, drugs, eventually they have you. Oh yes, I know exactly what she went through."  
  
Gonou finished massaging the battered hand, and Gojyo flexed it thoughtfully, feeling the pull of stiffened tendons and still bruised flesh. The silent brunette moved around behind the half-breed, and started working on his shoulder. Gojyo was glad of the silence, it was difficult enough saying these things that he had tried to keep buried for five years, but he had to continue.  
  
"I spent four years in a house that catered to perverts with *refined* tastes. They went through a lot of kids there, the only one that lasted anywhere near as long as I did was Lian, 'cause she was just as rare as me. Her skin was darker than river mud, and her hair curled so tightly. From the far West, that's where she said she was from. She and I were irreplaceable, and very expensive. We learned that they'd never let us go." Ying and Lian, the cherry and the lotus. Gojyo still remembered her real name that she had whispered to him in the dark, long after she had forgotten. Kiya. "For a little while, we managed to cling together, supported each other, but she finally gave up, and became exactly what they wanted her to be." Gojyo stopped and gave a hiss as Gonou peeled the damp gauze off his shoulder.  
  
"I apologize." The soft words barely reached Gojyo's ears, and he knew that it wasn't about the brief discomfort to the injury.  
  
"S'OK, Gonou. After Lian faded out on me, I knew that I wasn't going to last much longer either. Boys don't usually live past puberty, and I was getting close. I had one trick though, one thing they had forgotten. The Triads kept their stock docile through drugs, and they had me on a pretty steady dose like all the other kids, but they forgot I wasn't human. Fixes that spaced everyone else out I had already adapted to, I wasn't as doped up as they thought. All I needed was one careless moment on their part, and when I was fourteen, I got it. I had spent my whole life believing I was weaker than everyone else around me, but that night I learned how strong I really was. That I didn't have to accept what life threw at me, I could throw it right back. Was doing pretty well too, until those boys you met shot me in the back while I was gambling. Shoulda known that holding a two pair of black Aces and Eights was bad luck."  
  
*****  
  
Far away in the Heavens, Kanzeon Bousatsu arched an eyebrow. "Sorry Kenren, but a Dead Man's Hand was too good to pass up, and you needed to be there for Tenpou. Improvise, adapt and overcome my dear general, you are so good at that."  
  
*****  
  
Gojyo was through talking. Gonou could feel the subtle tension in the lean muscles underneath his hands as he carefully examined the raw flesh on Gojyo's shoulder. It was still suppurating, but there was no sign of infection. There would be a long, ropy scar arcing over the shoulder, but Gonou hoped that Gojyo would eventually be able to fully use the arm again.  
  
*How can you stand to look at me?* Gonou recalled the words flung at Gojyo. *What do you know of what she had to bear?* How terribly naïve he felt now.   
  
"How did you get over all that? How did you go on?" Gonou felt Gojyo twist and look directly at him. The lone red eye was full of remembered pain.  
  
"Get over it? I didn't Gonou. I didn't." A sudden flash of memory, Gojyo twisting fitfully in his sleep, incoherent mumbles tumbling past his lips. Not just the discomfort of his wounds, but fever-dreams of a life that provided rich soil for nightmares. "How do I go on? Because every day that I continue to live, is a victory against all those who think that I shouldn't exist. And I super hate to lose."  
  
"So, I guess that means you won't be playing cards with me again any time soon."  
  
A slow, sleepy smile emerged from the crimson fall of hair drifting across the half-demon's face. "Not until I figure out how the hell you were reading my deck."  
  
Gonou watched as Gojyo slipped into a light doze, curled on the mossy bank of the stream, then rose to his feet. *Life is a victory? Go on despite the pain? To spite the pain?*  
  
"I don't know if I'm that strong Gojyo. I don't know if I can bear this."  
  
*****  
  
The priest and his retainer were leaving. The entire town knew by now that he was hunting for Cho Gonou, and many came to watch as he ordered the barge captain to his new destination. The captain's small protest of lost profit for diverting from his standard trade was brushed aside as a golden card was negligently flashed. Several new sailors had come aboard to assist with the lesser-known route, and all of them had agreed on the true purpose of this voyage. If the Sanzo priest was looking for Cho Gonou, then they would follow him to exact their own revenge. 


	8. Travels and Destinations

A/N: Whew, this was a toughie to get finished! Had to shuffle quite a few ideas around before I got something I was happy with, so I hope you like the result!  
  
hakkai-san, Metajoker, Alowl: here's your update!  
  
Wind Wanderer: Nasty villagers will be in the next chapter!  
  
UltraM2000: Yep. I'm an angst queen! I try to keep the "voices" of the characters different with Gojyo having a "slangier" vocabulary than Gonou or Sanzo.  
  
MoMo-kun: Well, as I deprive Gojyo of any girls to flirt with in this fic, he's had to stretch a bit. He's still our lovable ero-kappa though!  
  
Kath: Yeah, the last chapter was very dialog intensive, but I just wasn't up to writing a descriptive version of Gojyo's past as a whore/slave. It was very tough just getting him to speak about it.  
  
lizalou42: My mane? Well, see I have these two cats that like to stop directly under my feet when I'm walking... ::grin!::  
  
Krimson: Thnk you, ::blush:: that's very kind of you to say so!  
  
Blades of Ice: Hope this chapter answers your question!  
  
Chiefraz: Bingo! Of course the big controversy is what was the kicker card in Bill's hand when he was shot?  
  
Disclaimer: After rendering the quartet unconscious and stripping them, I have regretfully discovered that they all have trademark barcodes on their rumps. And it's not my brand either. So, while I can send Kazuya Minekura money to keep the boys in my house, I can not make any money off them in return. So dear readers, this is a freebee.  
  
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Cho Gonou knelt before Kanan's grave, gently placing a spray of flowers next to the headstone. "I'm sorry to be leaving you, however, it seems I am not quite done yet. Gojyo still needs help, he cannot walk out of here alone." The redhead was leaning on a walking stick a little ways off, giving Gonou the room for a private goodbye. He brushed his fingers lightly over the surface of her marker, the water-worn smoothness cool under his hand. "I promise I will return to you. Rest easy my sister, I love you."  
  
As Gonou rose to his feet, he slipped the small pack that contained everything that Gojyo and he had left onto his shoulders. Gojyo moved up, his steps slow, and stopped closer to Gonou than politeness dictated. *He still hasn't compensated for his loss of depth perception. I have to remember that, and watch out for things he won't see on the blind side.* "I'm ready, Gojyo."  
  
"Great. So where are we going anyway?"  
  
"To get a map. If we're going to get out of here, we need to know where we are."  
  
Gojyo gave him an odd look. "A map? Where the hell do you think you'll find a..." His voice trailed off a moment. "Maoh. We're going to Hyakugan Maoh's fortress, aren't we?"  
  
"Unless you know of a bookseller nearby, it's the only option."  
  
A soft laugh, followed by a cough. "No, I don't see a bookstore."  
  
Gonou let Gojyo set the pace, he couldn't manage more than fifteen minutes without having to rest. They wouldn't reach the fort before nightfall, but Gonou was in no hurry. The slow, ambling trek allowed him time, time to think. There was a terrible gaping wound deep inside him, a festering hole where Kanan had once stood. Three paths stretched before him, and he stood on the crossroads. The first was the easiest, follow Kanan into death, ending everything. *But, you'd be hurting Gojyo.* Second, walk back into his village, and let them judge him. *So, you'd hand your death over to them instead?* Finally, he could simply walk away, move on until he found a place where no one had heard of him and start again. *And leave your crimes unpunished?* He already knew what Gojyo would recommend, but this was his decision.  
  
The half moon provided enough light that Gonou was able to traverse the last part of the trek with ease. Gojyo's night vision was nearly as keen, and he gave a low whistle as they finally reached the hidden clearing of the late Centipede Clan's home. "How in the hell did you take this place down all by yourself?"  
  
"It's strange, but I just knew how. They didn't have much in the way of military tactics on my school curriculum, but the moment I closed in on the place, information just flowed. I knew how to get the sentries, where to move to take advantage of the layout, I had even figured out how to compensate for the fact that demons are stronger and faster than humans. Everything they tried, I already had the counter ready."  
  
"So, you're a closet military genius."  
  
"It seems so." *Naturally.* Nothing more than a quiet murmur now, that part of him he had used several weeks ago, sliding back into his subconscious.  
  
Nearly three weeks of decomposition had created a fetid atmosphere that caused both men to gag. Gonou found a closet near the front gate that held rain cloaks for the sentries, and they used the thick material to cover their faces as they began to search.  
  
"I remember seeing something like a wall map on the second floor."  
  
Their shoes quickly became tacky with old blood, and Gonou began shivering as they passed the first female corpse. She had been flung against the wall, her throat slit in an eerily similar fashion to Kanan's death wound. He had done this. Twenty feet on was a child. His hands. Body after body. He remembered the screams. A voice cutting through it.  
  
"Gonou? Gonou? C'mon, over here, stay with me!"  
  
He was pushed into an empty room, no bodies littering the floor, and a window to the outside. Fresh air hit his face, and Gonou breathed it in huge, grateful gulps. "I didn't think it would be this hard. I came back here once before, right after I found you, to get supplies, but I didn't look at them. I didn't see."  
  
"And now that you have seen?" Gojyo's voice was thin with strain, a bleak expression on his face in the sharp moonlight.  
  
"I didn't spare any of them. Not one."  
  
"If it makes you feel any better, if there were any survivors, they would have come after you. You took down a Clan, Gonou, and demons will fight to the death for their clans. Last one standing wins."  
  
"And the other clans, what will they do?" He heard Gojyo exhale in a gusty sigh, and lean tiredly on the wall.  
  
"Probably wonder what the hell Maoh did to piss off Heaven and the Toushin Taishi. He's one of the beings used to scare little demons with. 'Be good or the War God will get you.' Scares big demons too. That it was someone like you who pulled this off, they won't think of that."  
  
"How can you be so sure?"  
  
"Because no one wants to believe those old stories. They only end when Heaven itself intervenes to stop the monster that is created. As I don't see any War Gods knocking on the door and you aren't currently chewing on my liver, the stories are probably a little inaccurate."  
  
"A monster." Easy to believe that, surrounded by his handiwork.  
  
"Cho, you killed to rescue someone you loved. You fought back when others wouldn't. You defended me when every one else would have walked away. I've met monsters before, and believe me, if you believe nothing else. You are not a monster."  
  
"Then, what am I, Gojyo?"  
  
"My friend." Pushing off the wall, Gojyo headed for the door, staggering slightly from exhaustion. "C'mon, let's find this map of yours and get the hell out of this madhouse before I fall down."  
  
*****  
  
Goku lay on the top of the enclosed cabin on the barge's stern and idly drummed his heels against the steel. He was bored. So very, very bored. Two whole days on this floating box with nothing at all to do. Four more days before they even reached their destination. Why had the cook gotten so mad when Goku had told him that the fish wasn't done right? You'd think he'd have been grateful to have cooking tips. Now Goku wasn't allowed in the kitchen at all!  
  
He twisted around onto his stomach and crawled to the edge. Sanzo was sitting just underneath him, reading the same paper from yesterday. Sanzo wouldn't even give back his staff, even after Goku had apologized for very accidentally knocking a hole in the side of the boat. He let out a long sigh, and opened his mouth to speak.  
  
"You're hungry, I'm not giving you the staff back until we land, and why don't you go fish instead of bothering me when I'm busy."  
  
How did Sanzo do that? Goku leaned out a little farther, trying to see if Sanzo had the comics page open. With a sigh, Sanzo folded the paper, and craned his head back to meet Goku's gaze. Even through the slim reading glasses, Sanzo's scowl was impressive. "What, Goku?"  
  
"I don't want to fish, Sanzo! Fishing is boring! C'mon, let's spar!"  
  
"I am not getting sweaty on a floating box with no bathing facilities." He turned away, and reopened the paper. A further whine from Goku resulted in Sanzo starting to reach for his fan, so he scuttled back away from the edge.  
  
Bored. Bored, bored, bored, hungry. He could smell the cook over boiling the rice and burning the fish again. Nasty little man, Goku wanted to thump him a good one. Sanzo had stopped him last time, but if Sanzo was busy with the paper... maybe. A small grin crossed his face, and Goku began to slide off the side of the cabin, landing quietly on the deck. A whiff of cigarette smoke curled past, Sanzo's brand. Goku's glance flicked around, looking to see if any of the deck hands were paying attention to him. No one was nearby, now all he had to do was slip through the side door... death?  
  
Goku whirled around, his nose twitching that the sudden smell of decay. A dead body, human, where was it? His keen eyes swept the water, tracking back to the shoreline, a lump, no, two lumps, and birds gathered around them. "Sanzo!"  
  
It took almost half an hour to secure the barge and row a skiff out to the shoreline, as the sailors hadn't wanted to investigate. Something about bad luck, but Sanzo had used that "look" of his, and hinted that displeasing him might bring worse luck, so things went smoothly after all. Goku didn't even have to hit any of them. Sanzo and Goku picked their way towards the remains, with the sailors keeping a "respectful" distance. Goku scattered the birds, and watched as Sanzo investigated.  
  
"Hn, they've been dead awhile, weeks it looks like. Been in the water a long time, probably dumped here right after they died." One of the sailors retched as Sanzo calmly turned over the body, revealing gaping rents in the torso, half-eaten entrails dragging through the openings. He fingered the remnants of the man's vest, studying the damage. "Definitely a demon. Talons ripped right through here. Skull was crushed too, probably a heavy punch."  
  
Goku followed as Sanzo began to examine the second man. "Why do you think they were killed, Sanzo? And by who?"  
  
"Well, they've been dead long enough it could have been Maoh's clan, and he's the sort of fellow that doesn't like trespassers. Dumping the body in running water erases psychic traces as well as physical ones, so there isn't anything to go on." Sanzo turned over the second corpse. "Interesting."  
  
"What?" Try as he might, Goku couldn't see anything that was out of the ordinary. Well, except for the fact that they were looking at a dead guy. He sure hoped the cook hadn't ruined lunch, it looked like the sailors weren't so hungry anymore, which meant more food for him.  
  
Sanzo pointed at a heavy, ornate silver bracelet on the man's wrist. "He wasn't looted. Whoever killed him just threw him in the water and left. Judging by where the bodies ended up, probably from a feeder stream somewhere in the woods there." Sanzo started to get up, then stared hard at the bracelet. "Well, now isn't that very interesting." He reached down and tugged briefly at it.  
  
Goku stared at what Sanzo was holding. "Um, Sanzo, that's just a couple of hairs." Sometimes Goku could just not figure out what Sanzo saw in this stuff.  
  
"Yes, Goku. Just a couple of hairs." they twined around Sanzo's finger, gleaming against his pale skin. "Just a few red hairs. Let's go"  
  
*****  
  
A day's sleep in a real bed, and hot water in a private bath had gone a long way to making Gojyo feel civilized again after the five day trek from Hyakugan Maoh's castle. Especially since it had been drizzling for two straight days. The little town was on the other side of the Centipede Clan's territory from where Gojyo had been chased, which meant that there was a good chance that no one here knew about him being in the area. Amazing how you never realized how dirty you were until you lathered up properly. The small room they had rented had only one bed, and Gonou had simply pushed him at it after Gojyo exited the shower.  
  
"Get some sleep. I'll see what this town has to offer in the way of supplies and transportation."   
  
Gojyo didn't resist the command, sinking gratefully into the mattress. "Be careful. Stay covered up."  
  
"In this rain? No one will find it odd. Anything I should look for?"  
  
"Booze, cigarettes and a hot babe would be perfect," Gojyo yawned.  
  
Gonou gave a small laugh and shook his head. Gojyo was asleep before Gonou left the room, and didn't move until he returned. A slight touch to his arm was enough to rouse him, the sky outside the window now dark with night. An assortment of take-out boxes were arranged at the small table, and a steaming carafe carried a delectable scent.  
  
"Oh gods, you got coffee." Gojyo paused long enough to slide on his jeans, absently noting they were clean (and a whole lot looser), before snatching up a cup. "You found a laundry. I don't suppose you found any smokes?"  
  
"Nicotine isn't good for you. You haven't had any for what, almost a month now? Why not quit?"  
  
"Says the man who was offering me opium."  
  
Gonou pointed his finger directly at Gojyo as he sat down. "You know very well that opium has legitimate medical uses as a pain reliever. All nicotine is good for is clogging your lungs."  
  
"Nag, nag." Gojyo fumbled with the chopsticks in his right hand, finally managing to spear a piece of chicken. "Anything interesting out there?"  
  
"Not really. This place is pretty small. They don't know that the Centipede Clan is gone yet. A barge was pulling in as I headed back, looks like a merchant vessel. We might be able to get passage on it."  
  
"Hmm, those are usually expensive, but sailors like to gamble. We might be able to win enough off them to barter our way on. I've done that before."  
  
The rest of the meal passed in silence, as both men polished off the first solid meal either of them had eaten in weeks. Using his right arm was still painful, but the wound had scabbed up finally, and so long as he didn't make any big moves with his shoulder Gojyo could ignore the twinges.  
  
"Why don't you sack out for a while? If I know sailors it'll be a few hours before they're drunk enough to be good marks. We'll cut you loose on them in any card games, and I'll handle it if they're throwing dice, OK?"  
  
Gonou threw a look towards the rumpled bed. "If you're sure?" There was a slight wistful note in his voice.  
  
Refreshing his cup, Gojyo nodded. "Yeah, I'm pretty awake now. Knock yourself out."  
  
Gojyo had never had the opportunity to observe Gonou in sleep before, and found himself intrigued. The brunette had all but disappeared under the thin blanket, curled on his side. *Hmm. Coulda sworn he was a cover hog. Keep thinking he ought to be messier than he is too.* Gojyo studied the relaxed face, worry lines eased out in slumber. *Awake, he's so serious and mature, but like this, he can't be much older than me.*  
  
Gojyo had just finished refilling his mug when a firm knock came from the outer door. Gonou's head jerked up at the sound, and he started to swing off the bed. "Stay there, I got this." Gojyo set the cup down and opened the door, shivering a bit at the cold rain that splattered him. "Yeah?"  
  
A blonde man wearing some of the most expensive (and soaked) silk robes Gojyo had ever seen stood just outside the swing of the door. "Pardon me for disturbing you so late, but I'm on the hunt for a diabolical murderer named Cho Gonou." Gonou went still behind him, and Gojyo felt a frission of shock run through his own frame. How the hell had this guy, this monk, known what door to knock on?  
  
Gojyo took one step outside, and shut the door firmly behind him. Using his extra inches of height, he looked down his nose at the stranger. "Sorry, don't know him." Adrenaline was charging through his body, pushing away the aches and snapping him into full alertness. The monk gave an irritated toss of his head, and a crimson chakra, a holy mark, was revealed sitting between unearthly violet eyes.  
  
*Because no one wants to believe those old stories. They only end when Heaven itself intervenes to stop the monster that is created.*  
  
*****  
  
The inn here was pathetically small, and oddly built with each room opening to the outside. The only positive feature Sanzo noted was that each room had a private bath, however small it was. He was fed up with Goku's constant nagging, and asked for two rooms. The monkey could sleep alone tonight. Twisting the tattered guest book around Sanzo began to sign his name, then froze. The entry directly above his, where had he seen that writing before? The names were unfamiliar, Sheng and Zhao, but names meant nothing.  
  
The locket was in his hand, without him thinking of it, and he cracked it open, allowing the curl of paper to fall out. Sanzo placed it next to the entry, and felt a slow smile of triumph curl across his lips as he comapred writing styles. Perfect match. Two minutes later, Goku was concealed on the rooftop in case this went badly, and Sanzo was confronting a man with long red hair in the exact shade as the strands found on the dead body.  
  
So, this was the obstacle he had seen between himself and Gonou. A battered and bandaged half-breed wearing only a pair of faded, low-slung jeans was planted firmly in front of the door. Amethyst eyes locked with a lone ruby orb, and Sanzo gave his voice a little twist as he pushed with his mind, "Step out of my way."  
  
"And what if I say no?" Resistance to the intoned command, the mind parting and flowing around his thrust. This one was no pushover, to be taken down with a hypnotic trick. For a heartbeat, Sanzo considered the odds. The half-breed was undoubtedly stronger and faster than himself, but he was injured, and Sanzo had not spent four years sparring with Goku without picking up a few tricks. A step, a quick feint, and Sanzo's knee was thrust hard into the redhead's stomach, doubling him over quite satisfactorily. Before Sanzo could step past though, a long leg swept hard into the back of his knees, sending him tumbling across the muddy surface.  
  
Sanzo fingered a scrape where his cheek had impacted the ground hard, and came away with spots of blood. "Oh, you'll pay for that."  
  
Breathing shallowly, the half-breed was already back on his feet, a wicked grin gracing the scarred face. "What denomination did you say you were, Buddha?"  
  
"The one that doesn't forbid my kicking your ass." Sanzo couldn't afford to expend much more energy against this opponent, not with Cho Gonou somewhere inside. With a flick of his wrist his gun dropped neatly into the palm of his hand, and Sanzo's arm shot up as he pulled the trigger in one smooth motion.  
  
"Damn you," the redhead hissed, having barely thrown himself out of the bullet's path.  
  
Sanzo followed his motion with the revolver. "Now stand down pretty-boy, or those luscious locks of yours really will be the color of blood."  
  
"GOJYO!" The door flew open, and a young , green eyed man stood in the frame, a frantic tone in his voice. Instantly the priest shifted his aim squarely on the more dangerous target's chest.  
  
"So, you're Cho Gonou." Sanzo didn't have time for anything else, as Gojyo sprang from his crouch, slamming straight into him. They went sprawling, the gun knocked loose from his grip, and Sanzo heard a sharp gasp as his attacker's right shoulder ground against the street for a moment. Then he was pinned, face down as the taller redhead threw his weight against Sanzo's back, and gripped his head.  
  
"I always did prefer being on top." Gojyo smirked. The half-breed turned to the startled Gonou, "He's after you! Get out of here now!" Sanzo snarled as Gonou took a hesitant step away from the embattled pair. "I said go!" Another step away.  
  
"Goku!"  
  
The smaller demon sprang from his hiding place, sliding between Gonou and escape. "I just have to beat this guy, right Sanzo?" His small face was alive with eagerness over the impending battle. The staff whirred through the heavy air as Goku came into a ready stance, and Gonou moved to match him.  
  
With Goku keeping the target busy, Sanzo refocused on Gojyo. "Get off me, you son of a bitch!" He could see blood seeping from the right shoulder, and the redhead's breaths were coming in short, sharp pants, but he had taken Sanzo out of the fight.  
  
"Oh, get bent Blondie. I'm not going to let you take him, even if you did bring a friend."  
  
Fine then. If Sanzo couldn't defeat him physically, and the half-breed's mind rebuffed his own natural abilities, then he'd boil the bastard. His right arm struck out, giving him the leverage to twist his body under Gojyo's. He reached deep within, and touched the blazing forge of power that was his to command. "MAKAYI TENJYO!"  
  
The Maten Scripture exploded. 


	9. Choices

A/N: Let me tell you of the agony of seeing 3/4 of a chapter at 90% completion disappear into a corrupted floppy disc. I only managed to recover half of it. I just about wept, and I definitely said many naughty words at high volume. Had to take a little break, recenter and then went out and bought a nifty USB portable hard drive (it is sooo cool!) and began again. Many, many naughty words. Wow did it hurt. So this chapter is a little later than I had planned on releasing it, but here it finally is!  
  
RazZadig: While I don't know how "far" Gojyo and Hakkai/Gonou's relationship will go yet, no one will ever come between them. As for babes? Well Gojyo is a sexually active 19 y.o. male...  
  
MoMo-kun: Yep, Sanzo did whip out the Maten, hope you like what the outcome is!  
  
Kath: While I love angst, I don't write death fics (of major characters). The quartet is reasonably safe in my paws!  
  
Badgerwolf: ah yes, the villagers... boy are they in for a rude shock.  
  
UltraM2000: Just about got my pattern set for the boys, just a few more threads to tie in!  
  
Chiefraz: Thank you so much for your kind e-mails! It really helped me get this done after the chapter crashed on me.  
  
Krimson/M-chan: Danke. Gonou channeling Tenpou was the only way I could figure out how a skinny 19 y.o. teacher was able to take down 1000 demons (and 300 villagers) all by his lonesome.  
  
Veszelyite: I love the boys' past lives, so expect to see more of them in the future.  
  
Icediamond: I unfortunately have no beta reader, so grammar problems do slip through. I try to keep it to a minimum, as I hate making those mistakes.  
  
Hakkai-san: humor has always been one of the most important parts of Saiyuki for me, so I try to slip it in when I can.  
  
Lizalou42: Gonou facing his crimes is one of the "closure" pieces I wanted to give him (as the castle burned down and he never got any closure in the series).  
  
Anna Xang-Jiao: Well, as Minekura-sama has yet to describe Gojyo's childhood after Jien killed his mother, I went ahead and extrapolated that bad things happen to small children with no protectors. (I'm pretty sure that my pen name is a coincidence as no on in my immediate family watches any anime but me. And I've never lent out my Mirage of Blaze to anyone!)  
  
Firnheledien, Blades of Ice, Nikki, Wind Wanderer, BranBlack: Thanks so much for your patience and here is Chapter 9!  
  
Disclaimer: I am not allowed to charge any money to anyone for reading this. The characters and setting are not mine. Trying to hypnotize the author into signing away the rights only gets a restraining order slapped on you. (Look at the pretty watch... you will give me Gojyo... you will give me Gojyo...)  
  
_________________________________________  
  
It had been very hard for Goku not to leap into Sanzo's fight at first, he could smell the demon scent on the red haired man and knew that he was trouble. But Sanzo recognized that too, and went for his gun. Goku watched the man dodge the bullet, *He's fast. I wonder what he'd be like to fight if he wasn't injured?* His fingers twitched on the smooth wood of the staff as a coil of eagerness began to unfurl in his body. Goku had always loved battle, two people testing their strength against each other. It made him... hungry? Not food hungry, but there was a need there.  
  
Gonou's appearance was almost startling. *That's him? He looks so ordinary!* A glitter of metal in the inn's lights revealed the magical limiters gracing one ear. *Three of them. He has to wear three limiters to hide his nature. How strong is he?* Focused on Gonou, he missed Gojyo's lunge at Sanzo, knocking them both away from the brunette. Goku began moving at the same instant as Sanzo's shout for him, sliding across the wet gravel and facing down the person they had been searching for all this time. *Let's see how good he is.*  
  
Goku sent his staff whirling in a solid opening pattern that Dr. Yang had patiently drilled into him, testing the reflexes and skill of his opponent. Gonou dodged or deflected each attack, moving with a speed that surpassed anything Goku had previously encountered. *He's really good! Guess I'll have to take him seriously!* The thing inside Goku that loved fighting was awake fully now, and Goku could feel it pressing against his own limiter. It wanted more, and Goku accelerated his own pace to match Gonou's abilities. They twirled together again and this time he managed to connect, sending the former teacher sprawling.  
  
Two things happened that completely altered the unfolding fight. The first was the explosion of power behind Goku that bore the familiar signature of the Maten Scripture. *Oops. Guess Sanzo got really pissed off!* The second was Gonou himself. *Dr. Yang always told me never to lose track of where things are in a fight... I should have listened.* Gonou was still on the ground where he had landed, but he was no longer   
  
unarmed. Sanzo's gun was firmly in his grip, the barrel was pointed squarely at Goku, and the look in Gonou's eyes... was the look of someone who would kill a thousand for the sake of one.  
  
"Let. Him. Go."  
  
*****  
  
The Maten leapt for Gojyo, splitting and growing like a tentacled sea monster. The half-breed didn't even have time to blink as it ripped him from the ground, wrapping him securely in its unfolding lengths. Sanzo stood at the center of the maelstrom, eyes radiating fury. "I gave you the chance to back down, but you just wouldn't take it. So now I'll have to shut you down." His captive was struggling for breath as the Maten constricted around his ribs.  
  
Using the Maten was like riding a lightning bolt. All the power of the gods at your fingertips, but one misstep and you fried along with the target. Even after seven years as it's keeper, there were still elements of the scripture he had yet to master. Binding was easy, there was little karmatic retribution in holding someone still. But with his gun gone, Sanzo would have to follow through with a psychic strike which required a precise mantra to prevent the Maten from backlashing through him. He reached for Gojyo's forehead, blood dripping from where his hand had been torn open during the struggle with the half-breed.  
  
"Let. Him. Go."  
  
Sanzo turned to see Gonou holding Goku at bay with the banishing gun. "I don't make deals. Surrender, or he dies." Blood continued to trickle from his hand, sliding down Gojyo's face, merging with the blood oozing from the torn shoulder and disappearing into the Maten. "This isn't a standoff, Gonou. He's suffocating right now." The gun barrel trembled for a moment and then the hammer clicked back, inducing a low whimper from Goku. "Don't try it Gonou. Even if you kill both of us, I will take you and the half-breed with me." He began to throw power towards the Maten, and the scripture writhed in response, the writing glowing and shifting according to Sanzo's demands.  
  
"I..." a shuddering gasp, "won't be..." a red eye rolling backwards as the final tendrils of air escaped his lungs, "your bargaining chip." Bound together through the Maten, Gojyo's surface thoughts were crystal clear. Sanzo slammed his hand sideways into Gojyo's mouth before the half-breed could bite through his tongue. Teeth snapped closed a moment later, and only the metal ring anchoring his sleeve to his hand prevented the loss of several fingers. Sanzo hissed through his teeth and began to pant. He couldn't seem to get enough air.  
  
"I didn't want this." The voice was sad, an odd counterpoint to the deadly expression on Gonou's face. "But this is your fight. You came after me. You are holding the life of the one person left in this world that matters to me. If Gojyo dies, then I will kill you both. This isn't a deal, it's a choice. Yours."  
  
Sanzo sensed rather than saw Goku's shifting stance. The young demon was about to do something very stupid. But then, Goku was never one to back down. *None of us are willing to give. We'll kill each other because of this.* Gray tinged the edge of his vision, and his lungs burned. *Damn it, it's him. I'm getting feedback from the Maten; I wanted the link to push past his defenses, but I wasn't expecting this. I hate having to be the reasonable one.* "Goku, don't move."  
  
Sanzo started to collect the excess power to ground it off so he could safely retract the Maten and somehow get this situation back under control when a group of men ran around the corner." That's him! There's Gonou! Get him!" A gun fired, Goku let out a frightened yelp, and for one crucial moment Sanzo faltered and lost control.  
  
The Maten flared back into brightness, slamming through the mental walls he had so laboriously created over the years. He was screaming, echoed silently by Gojyo as the half-breed's mind was ripped open. For one moment, Sanzo could see past all the defeated barriers into the other's soul, and knew Gojyo was doing the same. *I... I know you...* Agony sent them tumbling together, minds brushing , beginning to merge...   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Master? What are you doing?  
  
Father? Where are you going? *Jien?*  
  
It's a child, he was calling to me. *Master Koumyou?*  
  
He's your brother, take care of him.  
  
Look, it's the master's pet! Hey driftwood, don't fall in! *... the past?*  
  
Hey it's the freak! Let's throw him in! *How?*  
  
That river rat's a demon! No human has powers like that! *What's going on?*  
  
He's not even a real demon! He's powerless! *What did you do, priest!*  
  
Sacrifice. He died for you. *NO!*  
  
Murder. He killed for you. *STOP IT!*  
  
You left, walking away from others. *Don't TOUCH me!*  
  
You followed, seeking what you lost. *LET GO!*  
  
  
  
**GET OUT OF MY MIND!**  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Separation. Alone. Lying curled on his side on wet, muddy gravel had never felt so wonderful. No one else but him inside his skull, sharing his thoughts. Gojyo was crumpled on the ground next to him taking in deep shuddering breaths of air, but there was wonderful distance. Two whole blessed feet of space between them, and each one safely tucked inside their own heads, with all barriers intact. The Maten Scripture was back around his shoulders, quiet and inert, no more than a decorative silken scroll now.  
  
"Sanzo! Sanzo are you OK?" Golden eyes stared worriedly into his. "You were screaming so loud. Are you hurt?" Small, strong hands were picking him off the ground, and for a moment, Sanzo leaned into the support. Just for a moment. He'd stand on his own feet once the world stopped spinning.  
  
"You are so noisy." Sanzo muttered. A crunch of gravel dragged his attention up. Gonou stood a few feet away, smoke curling from the barrel of the pistol. Two figures were lying in the street, and curses and shouts could be heard from behind the inn. "What happened?"  
  
The dark haired demon turned slightly to look at Sanzo. "It seems I now have a choice to make." Blood stained Gonou's shirt, spreading rapidly from his stomach.  
  
*****  
  
Things had almost calmed down, Gonou could see the priest beginning to back off, telling the smaller demon to stay still. When the group of men came around the corner, the shock of recognition froze him for one moment that he didn't have. A gun roared, and fire exploded across his stomach. The little demon yelped in fear as Gonou staggered, his finger convulsively tightening on the trigger. The pistol fired, the round expending uselessly into the ground.  
  
Gonou felt the monk's artifact blaze and twist out of control, the light pouring from it illuminated the intruders clearly, eight of them, all from his old village. They shouted and flung up their hands, trying to protect dazzled eyes, and Gonou brought the pistol back up. Two of them had guns, and he fired at them, struggling to ignore the screaming of the monk behind him, the screams of Gojyo in his heart. Both gunmen fell, the other six fleeing around the corner of the inn as the light behind him vanished as quickly as it came.  
  
"Sanzo!" the boy demon called, rushing to his companion's side. Gonou remained where he was, listening intently to his surroundings. The frantic voice of the boy demon, the sour snarl of the monk, the hasty yelps of his attackers, the thundering of his pulse, and most importantly, the living breaths of Gojyo. His free hand slid over his belly, feeling the sticky warmth that was now mixing with the cooler rainwater. The bullet had torn laterally across his abdomen, and the longer he stayed upright, the worse it was going to get.  
  
"What happened?" The monk was being assisted up by the boy... Goku, he had been called. The blonde swayed, stubborn pride keeping him upright with a discreet hand from his companion.  
  
"It seems I now have a choice to make." Gonou replied absently, the now empty pistol dangling from his hand. "Death," his gaze flicked over to where the attackers had fled to regroup, "escape," he turned towards Gojyo, now slowly rolling up to his knees, "or whatever you came here for." Gonou slipped the pistol into the waistband of his slacks.  
  
"I am Genjo Sanzo, and I have been charged to bring you before the Sanbutsushin. I don't intend to return without you." It was quite a confident statement coming from a man who had less equilibrium than a newborn foal.  
  
"Heaven's Justice then." Gonou replied. "Not quite the Toushin Taishi coming for me, but a Sanzo priest. I'm flattered."  
  
"Gonou, go." Gojyo had gotten his feet under him, crouching with his hands shakily pressed against his head. "Get away from here, get away from *him*."   
  
A step, and Gonou felt the muscles tear further. Ruthlessly suppressing the pain, he gave Gojyo a small smile. "I'm afraid that choice is gone." He tilted his head slightly, listening. "And my former neighbors have managed to regroup." Rain streamed down his upturned face. "I know what you want of me, Gojyo. I know what the priest wants, what that little mob about to come around the corner wants." His eyes closed, feeling the drops skitter off his lids. "What about me?" *What do I want?*  
  
One small part of him continued to pay attention to the unfolding scene. The rest of him turned to answer his own question. Three choices, three paths, three outcomes. As much as he understood Gojyo's point of view, running from his actions really wasn't acceptable to him. He preferred to face his consequences. *I'm not running.* Two choices left.  
  
There was an argument brewing, the villagers demanding the right to kill him, Gojyo telling them to do something Gonou was sure was anatomically impossible and the monk finally cutting through it all with a simple statement. "If you want to kill him, go right ahead and try. But those who seek to kill have to be ready to be killed in return." The law of consequences, the words rang deeply inside him. He had been willing to give up everything on his search to reclaim Kanan.   
  
*"I didn't have to accept what life threw at me, I could throw it right back."* Gonou remembered his friend's words. He had not been willing to accept what the village wanted. They had made their choice, to be weak and compliant. He had chosen to be strong, to sacrifice everything: his career, his honor, his innocence, his humanity. Footsteps were rushing at him, trying to take advantage of his seeming inattention. *I'm not dying for them.* One choice left.  
  
The onrushing sailors had seen the blood that was staining his belly, noticed the fact that he was no longer holding the gun, and assumed that he would now be an easy target. Gonou's fist snapped out, meeting the lead attacker with a lethal strike, vertebra popping audibly as the man's head was twisted around. Before he hit the ground, his machete was in Gonou's hands and a second man was falling, the blade bright with his heart's blood. Executing a tumbling roll that stabbed deeply into his wounded stomach, Gonou came up behind them and swung hard, sending a head flying.  
  
"Is this what you wanted?" Gonou asked in a deceptively calm voice, circling around the remaining three, rain pouring off him in bloody streams. "Are you going to make me finish this? Killing you gives me no pleasure, but make no mistake I won't be dying here tonight. Stay and die or go and live, your choice."  
  
The stalemate stretched for an impossibly long moment until finally one of the assailants took a shaky step backwards, his eyes flickering around the battle site. His movement seemed to trigger the other two, and they fled back towards the river. *What a waste.* Gonou thought tiredly. *What a stupid waste.*   
  
Gonou swayed in the street, a hand clamped over his midriff. A small part of his mind dispassionately evaluated his injuries. He had lost quite a bit of blood, the wound had been torn open dangerously deep, and he was definitely slipping into shock. Perhaps passing out might be a viable option? "Ah, I do apologize, but I think I'm going to fall down now."  
  
As his legs crumpled under him, a warm arm was there, easing him down. "Stupid bastard. I won't let you fall." Gojyo. Of course. He could always count on Gojyo to catch him. He could hear the Sanzo priest barking out orders, feel small, callused hands holding the wound closed. As the darkness rushed up to greet him, Cho Gonou got out one last sentence.  
  
"Sha Gojyo, I'll have you know my parents were married." 


	10. Not the end

A/N: This is it finally! The last chapter!   
  
I know this was a long time in coming out, I've rewritten this several times trying to end this and it took me a while to find an ending I liked. I ended up having to ditch Goku's bit entirely because the idiot monkey just would not work with me! Some of what I tried putting here ended up in Elemental Natures, so think of that series of ficlets as fitting in along with this chapter as to what happened next.  
  
To Mo-Mo-kun and Wind Wanderer who wondered about Gonou's final line in Chapter 9: A bastard is literally someone who's parents are unmarried at the time of their birth, and Gonou wanted that "assumption" corrected (in his own slightly snarky... idiom.)  
  
BranBlack, Hakkai-san and badgerwolf - my computer problems are solved... it was the plot that was killing me for this chapter!  
  
Mia - Here's more!  
  
Amy01 - Well, as far as I know, nothing offical has been written about how Gojyo survived after Jien killed Mom, the stuff about him being sold to the Triads I made up. The home abuse did happen to him though.  
  
lizalou42 - Yeah, those two are rarely in accord, I dropped a little more on that here in this chapter. They understand each other, but how they deal with their pain couldn't be more different.  
  
M-chan - Gonou/Hakkai gets to keep his vision, and Gojyo mentions here what happened with his eye.  
  
Blades of Ice - Thanks so much for your patience (thanks everyone for their patience!), I finally decided to stop beating my head over something that wasn't happening, edited the chapter up and said, that's it! You're getting posted!  
  
Chiefraz - I totally understand the Gojyo jones, he's my unabashed favorite.  
  
UltraM2000 - Yep, Gonou isn't a very "nice" man, and fiercly protective of what he considers "his". He's polite, civilized, and educated... but he's not nice. (Tenpou could get pretty ugly as well, so it's a natural state for him!)  
  
Metajoker - Well, I did write for my high school magazine, but that was 16 years ago...  
  
Kath - Well... I'm kind of a coward when it comes to death fics, especially if it's non-canon. I could kill Kanan, she's supposed to die, but I probably won't ever kill the main four. Hurt, maim, twist their little minds, yes. Kill... hey three of 'em already died once!  
  
krimson - The bit with Sanzo and Gojyo was orignally supposed to have Konzen and Kenren connecting as well, but I just couldn't make it flow right, it worked better without them.  
  
Disclaimer: I attempted to claim ownership of the Saiyuki boys, but Goku ate all my food, Sanzo smoked out my house, Gojyo drank all my booze, Hakkai won all my money, and my cats are scared of Hakuryuu. So I had to let them go, but the footage from the video camera I hid in Gojyo and Hakkai's room ought to retail nicely.  
  
Epilogue  
  
A lone figure trudged through the snow, away from the lights and festivities. He passed through a gate leading into the currently empty temple; the monks were out celebrating with the rest of the city. Making his way through the blanketed gardens, he finally stopped on a small decorative bridge that arced over the ice coated stream. He settled against the rails, dropped a sake flask next to him, and looked westward. "Well Jien, it's another year gone by. Got a little more to tell you about this year, so hope you've got a nice bottle like me." A brilliant green firework exploded overhead, illuminating the long red hair brushing against the heavy coat. Absently pushing the frames of his glasses closer to his face, Gojyo sighed.   
  
"Don't really need to tell you much about my spring; you know I tend to spend that time on the move from wherever I holed up during the winter. Started wandering further south than I normally did, was tired of the cold. Spent a nice month with a young widow, she needed a hand with things a woman needs a man around the house for..." Gojyo let out a small laugh at an imagined sly comment, and took a swig on his flask. "Not just that! Sheesh, mind always in the gutter Jien. I can wield a hammer and thatch a roof too ya know. She was a real sweet lady though, probably got herself a new husband by now.  
  
"Summer though, that's when just about everything changed for me bro." Another tug on the sake flask, and he cupped it between his hands, staring away west. "Had a real bad run in with a group that took exception to me breathing. Pretty much lost everything but what I had on my back, damn near lost my life. Ended up in the Centipede Clan's territory ...yes Jien, I know what happened there, hell I even know who did it, now just shut up and pay attention. Was pretty badly messed up for a while, but I had some help. Fell in with a weird group of guys, in fact I'm still with 'em, so lemme tell ya about them. First off, there's this tall, dysfunctional blonde..."  
  
Three weeks he had been stuck now in this backwater town, thanks to a cowardly barge captain who had fled the area rather than wait for Gonou to stabilize. Three weeks of trying not to kill Sha Gojyo. It wasn't that Gojyo didn't understand personal boundaries, he did, but the fact that Gojyo didn't care that he was intruding in Sanzo's space was what drove the priest insane. He leaned, he touched, he stole cigarettes right from Sanzo's lips. Gojyo had no reverence, or for that matter fear, of Sanzo's position. While Sanzo despised bootlickers, he did rely on the automatic subservience a Sanzo normally received from others to keep people at bay.   
  
Worst of all, Gojyo knew. Thanks to the actions of the out-of-control Scripture, Gojyo knew. Abandoned river trash didn't rank very far above bastards after all. Especially when said bastard at least knew who his father was, and carried his name. There was a twisted irony that in this little group of revered high priest, paroled heretic, half-bred abomination and cursed murderer, that the only one who didn't know who he truly was... was him. Even Goku knew his own name. Sanzo wasn't very fond of irony.  
  
But there was not getting rid of Gojyo, not when there was an almost tangible thread tying his and Gonou's lives together. It wasn't very hard to recognize, after all, he saw the same sort of thread every day, running from Goku to himself.  
  
"Sanzo! Hey Sanzo, there's a barge on the river!" Goku came crashing in on his brooding, but for once, the disruption was welcome. The sooner he brought Gonou before the Sanbutsushin, the sooner he'd be rid of both men. Rid of them before the threads that reached from them succeeded in linking up to him and bound them together... again? Yes, somehow he had known them before, and knowing them had led to his death.   
  
"It's about damned time." One more week of travel and he could put this behind him, and get back to his search for the Seiten Scripture.  
  
Somewhere else, a goddess laughed.  
  
"Sanzo hates everyone, and would probably end up never leaving his little cloistered world if he wasn't looking for something. That and the little airhead... heh... don't tell anyone, not even Blondie, but that monk would probably kick down the doors of Heaven for the kid." Gojyo shivered for a moment, a hazy vision skittering across the surface of his mind before vanishing again. A smaller Goku, a library, nothing he could grasp. It was like a forgotten memory...   
  
"The kid... man that monkey has me confused. Sanzo says he's over 500 years old, but I'd swear he's not much more than 15. I've never seen a demon like Goku before, and he's got gold eyes... yeah Jien, gold. He's devoted to that crabby monk, gets upset if he doesn't know where Blondie is. Apparently the monk sprung him from some prison, but no one knows why the kid was even in there, not even Goku. Good guy to have at your back in a fight though, been through a couple of scrapes with him and he's damned good. Just try not to get between him and his food."   
  
Gojyo tipped the last of the sake down, and let the flask slip to the wooden planks. The fireworks erupted into a furious finale marking the moment of midnight, and Gojyo watched them silently. When the last sparkle vanished, he dropped his head down, chin resting against the fur lining his collar.  
  
"Which brings me to an unstable head case with a pretty face. How do you describe someone who saved your life? Who knows my secrets? Someone who... who didn't leave me, and did at the same time?"  
  
Cho Hakkai was content to simply sit and watch the streams of revelers pass by the small tavern where he and Dr. Yang had taken refuge. The energy flowing outside was threatening to overwhelm his senses, it was better to remove himself from it and fortify his still uncertain shielding. Perhaps he should have stayed home, despite Gojyo's argument that this was the first year of the rest of his life... and the last year of his old life.  
  
"Feeling better now, Hakkai?" Yang asked as he sipped from his tea. "You aren't so pale anymore."  
  
"I... I just wasn't prepared for how noisy it gets in the city. I guess I just lost my concentration there for a moment." He idly turned his own tea cup under his fingers, blushing faintly at his lapse. His ability to sense chi energy had been steadily growing over the past few months and his control was still shaky. Yang did the best he could with teaching the young demon mental techniques, but it was much like a housecat trying to instruct a tiger to hunt. He could pass theory to Hakkai, and with Sanzo's aid, they had managed to construct some rudimentary shields, but the rest was up to Hakkai.  
  
He had started sitting in on Yang's chi-healing classes. It was awkward, Hakkai was essentially working backwards. Yang's other students were already healers; they were there to learn how to harness chi. Hakkai had more power than any of them could ever dream of possessing, but he had no knowledge on how to apply it.  
  
As the fireworks exploded, heralding the turning of the year, Hakkai signaled the waitress to bring him a flask of sake and two cups. He carefully poured out a measure for Yang and then for himself. Slowly he raised the cup, "Farewell, Cho Gonou and Kanan. May you rest in peace."  
  
Yang met the toast and answered it, "Welcome, Cho Hakkai may your life be long and full of joy."  
  
Gojyo exhaled heavily. "Hakkai never really said what happened to him when they took his old name. This old doctor that lives at Sanzo's temple took the both of us in. He was shocked that I never had any real education 'cept for the little bit of reading you taught me, and he's been teaching the both of us along with Goku. He looked at my eye, but he said that it'd been too long since the damage was done, and he couldn't reverse the effects. So I hafta wear glasses... oh stop fuckin' laughing Jien, it's actually not sucha a bad thing. The pair I wear has a tint that hides my eye color. Makes 'em look brown, and hey, presto, I'm just another guy.  
  
"So I don't hafta keep running anymore. Been here five months, new record for me. Thought you'd like knowing that. Of course, I don't even know if you care, Jien. It's been ten years now, do you even think of me? I pretend you do, pretend sometimes it was just an accident that you left me behind, that you're still looking for me." Gojyo stared into the night, absently wiping away the moisture on his face. "I hate you sometimes, Jien, but for tonight, I just wanted to let you know. I'm doing OK. Happy New Year."  
  
He scooped up the fallen flask and began walking back towards the lights, and home. 


End file.
